Feb 19

Outside the Inner…Inside the Out…

i’ve never wanted to quit smoking cigarettes…my wife convinced me to switch, and start using a vapor instead…she said it was healthier…not having as many chemicals causing cancer, emphysema, etc…and it took me awhile to get used to it…but, eventually, i just didn’t like the taste of cigarettes anymore…the vapor had much better flavors for me…recently i was in this vapor shop close by my house…picking up some ejuice for my machine…ended up talking to a couple of younger guys there…one of them making plans soon to celebrate his 21st birthday…since i am an older dude, they asked me which downtown bar i had gone to…i told them i wasn’t even drinking at that age anymore…which is true…my first bout with active sobriety was at 20 years old…i would like to say that alcohol has always been my drug of choice…thinking more about it, drugs fast became secondary…i just wasn’t old enough to buy booze legally…so, when i didn’t have the money or means to purchase and acquire illegal substances…i was raiding my folks liquor cabinet and beer coolers…not an easy way to live…however, becoming necessary, in order to keep experiencing the way i wanted to feel

after forging a life of utter destruction…terminating everything meaningful to me…i turned to a 12 Step program for help…when working with a sponsor from the nearest group, i gained substantial sober time…progressing with this new way of living…meeting some new friends closer to my age, i began joining a young people’s crowd there…a big movement had been started, in which i became a part of…we met at our own meeting place…joining up afterwards, to do what we used to…like going to see live music…skateboarding…playing pool…camping…whereas before, in early sobriety, doing these things with our old friends seemed dangerous…because people who did dope and boozed up frequented those types of places…it felt much safer with sober kids who had much the same interests, culture and drive as i had…we even got together with groups in other towns…forming a committee to bring a state-wide conference for young people to our home city…which ended up being a success!…i am still very proud to have taken part in all that…it was so neat getting to meet other youth from different places who did the deal in keeping away from drugs and alcohol

unfortunately, recovery came to an end for me…i just wasn’t following all sides of our iconic triangle image…unity was strong…making meetings regularly…hanging out with people outside of the group setting…keeping contact over the phone daily…service was also a big part…involved in events having to do with our fellowship…getting new groups starting…signing up to chair meetings…assistance for the newbies coming in, searching for that way out…it was the recovery side that i had failed at…did not continue practicing the steps in all my affairs with a sponsor by my side…not looking through my own wrong doings to see how my faults should be corrected…even being a part kept me a part from…i remember sharing in meetings about thinking of going out again…i just wouldn’t take the advice given…very bad about listening……especially when offered what i wasn’t willing to follow…there are times when we must venture away from ourselves…the little wants and desires…in order to accrue what is sorely needed…taking what is beyond our own individual reach…for, if i could have done this alone all along…why would i have gone through making the same sore mistakes time and time again?

it is where i am at today…looking for what is God’s Will, instead of mine…something i have repeatedly questioned over this past year, in particular…going through hard time…not knowing where and how to go about it…seeking out support and assurance…not sure how to approach it all…or, if i am doing the right…which has gotten much better for me…really…not even sure i had anything to do with…it just hasn’t turned out like i had planned…which makes me wonder if it was even my goal…or was it God’s?  making me turn even stronger to our 3rd Step Prayer…offering myself to God…so that i may build and grow as He wishes…it is usually beyond my wildest dreams…nothing i could ever had imagined…that suddenly becomes a correct fit…what i must hold close and cherish to take care of…for fear of losing it all again could take me back to the starting point…and i never want to know what not to do when finding the best answer

car traffic is a good description when picturing what i’m talking about here…even when it isn’t rush hour, you came come across road blocks…all these red brake lights shining back at you…what has caused the problem?…most likely not being able to see very far ahead…having the potential of making you very angry…especially if this is somewhere planned you need to be at a certain time…some drivers will end up changing lanes repeatedly…speeding up and slowing down…cutting people off and breaking quickly…which causes more traffic, doesn’t it?…are they really getting anywhere quicker doing it that way?…it just slows down the cars behind them…causing more and more havoc…not having patience to bear the burden everyone else has…there is usually something far more important going on ahead that no one can see yet…like maybe an accident of a wreck…someone may be in a great amount of pain, and in dire need of the ambulance that is coming…who is needing the room to make their way…getting the injured to the hospital for treatment…or, it could just be construction…lanes of the highway being diverted and coned off…just so that the roadway will be repaired…as it has been previously causing problems until the fix is solved…there is just no way of telling…until we move forward and see how the commotion is brought up for ourselves

once having that clear view of what is going on…don’t we either feel bad, or even forget what made us frustrated in the beginning?…we had no idea what was truly blocking our movements…and wasn’t it rather selfish to be concerned with our own designs of what we were doing?…where we were going?…there are so many other people out there who struggle…in much worse situations that we imagined…it is ideal to take what we currently have into consideration…finding ways to remove what keeps us from that Sunlight of the Spirit…our Higher Power is at work in all things…most surely not where we think we will see Him…expecting it to take place immediately…today i do what i can to give ample time in participating with life…i leave considerably early…and stay as late at possible…in order to get the job done.

thousands of people work at my current employment place…a lot of them walking around very frantically…it gets extremely agitating and confrontational, at times…which has made me sure to take my time with what i am doing…looking around corners in hallways for on-comers…opening doors for others, in case they are needing to get somewhere quickly…looking behind me always for those in that hurry…they must have some more important engagement than i do…not sure if they are just speeding up their time because they are late…it’s what i would like to think…it may just be something primary to operations that needs immediate attention…i haven’t a clue…i really need to keep welfare in mind…doing what i can to remove personal opinion…setting initial thoughts and emotion aside…it’s just not my place to decide what is happening with others…God has His own plans for them…i am only here to clean up my side of the street…it isn’t any of my business who else is at fault…in any situation…it should always be how i can be of service to those in need…for we are all members of the same human family…and what i can do for them can do a lot for myself, as well

Feb 04

Divisional Crucifixion…

blogging isn’t always easy…writing about what is going on with me at the time…to get what i need in spreading word of mouth from what i didn’t get to share in a meeting…or something on my mind, wanting to get it out for the world to hear…so much gets in the way, from normal wear and tear…which gives a hard way of piecing it all together again…like lately…a lot is on my plate,,,doing my best in keeping to a schedule…best putting what is primary of importance first…and writing is just my most creative, personal and gifted way of getting a message out…it gets stuck on paper…forever there for others to read…a skill i have always cherished and never want to lose…just wish there was more space to do it…a lifetime goal of mine is in continuing writing…an ideal way for me to pass on what i feel, believe and experience…that i learn and keeps me moving throughout life

thought and action have always been big issues with sobriety and living in general…i have recently come to a realization that i can think too fast to act…and even act too quick for thinking…best example i have is a situation with work…my new job is something correctly matching my skill set…having built a 20+ year career with materials testing…yet, this role is in a completely different industry…most of the procedures are quite similar…having potential and adverse effects on how i perform efficiently…when running tests, failure is sure to come up…which projects the technician into finding what specifically caused the product to go wrong…the most common question arising from superiors and customer themselves…is the item safe to be used?…a certain change to be made in keeping operations moving?…and then comes wonder about equipment used…is the machinery performing correctly?…is it calibrated and up-to-date?…or, is the technician to blame?…did they follow the instructions precisely?…are they certified in seeing whether objects are within specifications, or not?…or, is the tech just in a hurry, not being mindful of following methodology right?

a test run at my place of employment today is alike what i have done in the past…finding the percent of solid in a chemical used for production…recording the size…placing it in an oven…and re-weighing after dried…much like what i did to find how much moisture is in something…just acquiring different numbers through analysis of weight…when having a number of different pieces to run at the same time, it gets easy to lose track…which keeps me very careful at keeping an eye…writing answers down according to sample identification…keeping it all in an order…and the more that is put into the oven, the longer it takes for it all to dry…this keeps me taking track of when i put them in…if most the room is taken up, i know this will take 2 hours for a correct result

one day, when i had a lot to get done…i finished getting original weights of liquid, and placed samples in the oven, getting ready for lunch…after coming back from my break, i took care of a few small things…then pulled the pans out of the oven for the final dry numbers…when putting the first few on the scale to write down answers, i noticed a small glimmer from the subjects…not thinking twice about it, i just jotted down the digits until all done…throwing what was finished into the trashcan…once entering data into the Excel sheet on the computer, i saw calculations…the winning/losing results immediately had me seeing something was wrong…way too many failures occurred than normally…usually, only one or two have the possibility to not pass, when measuring 30 or more…and more than half of what i had tested came out wrong

this made me go quickly back to my previous observation…seeing this shine of light coming from some samples assuredly told that they weren’t completely dry…i should have just kept them in the oven for longer…not wanting to keep on to see how it mattered to higher-ups…i decided in taking these particular failing samples and start over again…making sure to keep them in the oven longer that anticipated…sometimes it is just better to give things more time and consideration than moving ahead too quickly…it isn’t all the same anyhow…and should not be handled any differently…in which case, i was correct…running the tests a second time…giving it more attention…the ending numbers came out more accurate than the tests run fast the first go around

i’m glad i took this effort in making corrections…it gives me an important lesson…not to spend too much acting without thinking about it first…or, not thinking a lot without acting upon…a hard conundrum to accept…paradox, if you will…balancing procedure with thought, emotion and function is not always easy…it’s practice to giving into instinct instead…acting upon willpower…forgetting about that watchful eye over errors that can take place…rambling mentally over what has happened, without doing anything to confront and change the outcome…which cannot do what is required either…how much the average alcoholic drinker and abusing drug addict behave…doesn’t it usually require a complete and utter bottom for us to come to the wrongness of our ways?…and, unfortunately, some extreme cases end in nothing but death…it’s an untimely, dreadful and doomed existence, isn’t it?…does not surprise me at all that spirituality is the path for our solution to the disease…it must be a powerful thing such as a miracle to happen in order for us to reform and walk another way…we must face our mistakes squarely and witness what has gone wrong…adding to something else we have not discovered that caused mistake and misfortune…handing the next chance at movement with extra effort, care and time…no matter what it means to combine a beneficial end that is true and specific

a friend of mine in the program calls so we can talk on the phone daily…more like an answer and question session…he comes with a line of query parading at me…probably just to see where i am at today…usually asking me about meeting women, because he is single and looking to find a mate…which i know nothing about…being married, it is not what i am into right now…even before marriage, i wasn’t the kind to chase women…although, i do not agree with online dating…which i have told him much…i have always been more about getting to know someone in person…real people…not the digital ones…it’s how i have always been…running into the right person at the right time…never getting bent about hooking up with the perfect person…but, besides all of that, the other day he questioned me about God…how did i find Him?…being a Christian, he asked me how i got to know Jesus…he said that another friend of his had met Christ in one of our meeting places…which made me giggle a bit…i told my buddy that i had never come across Jesus in the rooms of our 12-Step fellowship…that i have never seen the man in the flesh, sitting in the back of our rooms, raising his hand to share…and i surely have never even heard the actual voice of God…that it has always been translated to me through the voices of other humans, like us…which makes it important for me to go to meetings and church, where i can here it…the Holy Spirit, or God-Consciousness (as we like to call it)…that is where i found it transmitted

the more i thought about this, i began remembering how i came to believe…it was 1995…before i came into sobriety and the way of life our 12-Step program provides…i was in jail…not knowing how long i was going to be there for…not even sure what i was being charged with…having lost everything…money…freedom…friends…lovers…everything material had been stripped from me…i was just lost…not sure where to turn to for help anymore…knowing that i was in the wrong for this…it was the reason i was there…and eventually, a man from a church came to visit with me…handing over a Bible…saying this was all i had to turn to, in my situation…that God will work above anything else…material possessions aside…the spiritual world goes above and beyond all…when totally lost, revelation can be found there…which brings me to the story of the savior Jesus Christ…when held upon the cross…bound by nails through hands and feet…facing certain death and destruction…he raised his voice the the Father in Heaven…”Why have you forsaken me?”…Fortunately, God never forgets anything…He goes beyond what us humans every understand and comprehend…even though Jesus did die, he was given to this death…so that the rest of us could live through repentance, as our sins are forgiven…Christ was resurrected through this…brought back to life…showing that we can go on with this 180 action…no thought, feeling or movement is needed…just a simple belief that God does look after His children…just not always in the manner that we expect it to happen…it is through this ultimate surrender that we find the truth in it all…we must Let Go and Let God (like our sobriety motto states)…in these times where we cannot find those reasons and solutions for ourselves…through fault we discover the fiction…and in truth we live for today

Jan 14

Walls Built Brick and Brick…

beginning with a foundation…when complete, it will keep out the bad…and the good…things have changed a lot for me over this past year…starting extremely rough, being without a job…unhappy with previous employment, it was a relief to be let go…although tough, as well…having taken college, my aim had always been to change with fields of interest…eventually discovering  that education just isn’t enough…experience and connections matter greatly when contributing to a factor such as change in career…after six months, i felt i had reached an end…the “jumping off place”, like is mentioned in our sober literature…unemployment benefits were running out…i wasn’t receiving what i had imagined with the job search…this lead me to trying out new avenues…going to clubs and meet-ups with people who had walked before in my shoes…encouraging me to improve my Linked In profile…preparing for interviews…and making changes to a new resume…this brought more recruiters to finding out about me…and quickly landing into a technical support role…still not what i particularly wanted…but, a humble start to where i had planned to go…before long, i secured work with a company and job that fit my goal better…because of past work experience and learning of technology, it felt like the right fit…it just hasn’t been easy…taking lot’s of perseverance, patience and continuous effort

now i turn to preparing with a new schedule…while without a job it was spirituality keeping me grounded…looking to help outside human resources brought me around to good answers…and i wrote about it in this blog constantly…lately, because my mind and efforts have switched elsewhere, new placement is coming into view…making it to certain meetings throughout the week…spending time with family…and taking care of what is needed at home…my finances have improved greatly…so, i’m doing better at keeping with a prior tightness with spending money…it’s wild how hard times teach us clear about frugality and wise choice…this has all put a block on my writing endeavors…when seeking employment, not having restraints on every day time…creative writing had come back to me with a vengeance…picking up adding to a novel started years ago…putting pen to pad has always been a big passion of mine…i’ve looked forward to getting back into it…blogging filled this space in the void, once committing to life pursuit through sobriety…it’s the sole way i’ve found of communicating to those in similar situations…the best authors write about what they truly know and have been through

my daughter has currently picked up writing, herself…working on a couple of books, i told her how i am excellent at editing…that i would like to have a hand in finishing them with her, once they are through…since coming up against a writer block, i’ve decided to pick up reading more…some years ago, i flipped through the Big Book, recording all the prayers listed there…now, i am doing that again…only searching for the promises and jotting them down…i’ve also found a copy of William James, Varieties of Religious Experience for cheap on Kindle…another good book gotten a hold of for my smartphone is NA’s It Works:  How and Why…great readings always at the touch of my fingertips…whenever…wherever…and why-ever…they are always in reach for me…devotionals are also excellent reads i turn to at the start of every day…my wife showed me this magazine called The Daily Bread…it takes a Christian picture of guidance using quotes from the Holy Bible…scriptures to work with and stories added to it for a more recent context…always matching the lines carried on from this holy text…holding a deep meaning for me…taking ordinary objects and scenarios for a joining to easier understanding…suggestions for troubled confusion and strife through real world encounters here on Earth…the 2-Way Prayer is between God and humans…the 3-Way Prayer is God speaking to us, through His word created by the people…another reason literature counts for me so much…something helping get back to how i converse with the outside

it is the How’s and Why’s of the 12-Step way of life that have encapsulated how i move ahead in sobriety..bring me to capture when in modes of loss and obstruction…best example i can think of right now is what i use giving that “Elevator Speech” while walking into a job interview…i enjoy bouncing balls…reasons for that are being able to dribble…from hand to ground…taking the globe along with as you walk…or, pushing it over an obstacle…depending on how hard it is thrown into the floor decides what distance in the air it goes…and how does that all work?…simple…resting solely on what the ball is made of…a glass sphere would break and shatter into a million pieces if dropped from above…when made out of rubber it will most likely bounce in rhythm…the amount of air put into the ball figures exactly to what height it will reach…this can also be exacted by the degree of pressure applied…how physically assertive it meets below specifies what it goes beyond above…it is the density of the ball itself and amount of energy exserted that finalize strength and functionality

much how my place in sobriety is and been working out…another example of this would be my current employment…although i have a lot of past surrounding testing and engineering…i’ve been set in a totally different environment…a separate field that my past has built upon…my boss, who manages the operation, has started me off with one particular piece of equipment…showing me how to use it safely in giving out data for correct results…once seeing that i know how to use it properly…following the procedure and efficiently turning out expected product on a timely basis…he will move me on to another task and type of tool…always encouraging me to ask any questions i will have about what i am doing…making sure to take notes to turn back to with something i have issue remembering…and i also know who else to turn to in the office when performing…meeting assurance that i am doing my job the right way…the longer i follow these kinds of directions…the better history will be forged…knowing why and how i am doing something for them…this is what learning to grow, love and live life is all about for me…i am now sure of this…fulfillment is hinged upon that place of founding…the quicker i move away from it…the more i forget…the more i stick to it…that larger targets appear…this is how greater, fuller and basic life becomes…and it doesn’t come out of nowhere…it’s not my place to clearly figure out the goal of it all…that is what focuses on manageability…the Master’s role in life…He is the employer…aimed at showing me what my task in time is

it’s not often that i get drinking dreams…some weeks ago, during the holidays, i had one…my wife and i were somewhere and ended up in this bar…she had been very upset about something…once inside, i asked what she wanted to drink…she wouldn’t reply immediately…and suddenly this group of dudes came in, waiting behind us…after some time, i got her to tell me…by then, i was starting to question whether i was really going to get drunk myself…but, i turned around and gave the bartender our order…then, i looked to the group to guys…immediately i apologized for keeping them so long…asking what kind of beer they liked most…after getting some answers, i told them what i had purchased, and if they had tried it yet…when saying “no”, i ended up handing them over our drinks instead of taking them for ourselves…probably the best drinking dream i’ve ever had…it didn’t end up like i expected

it’s all about the wall definition from the start of this blog…the more i drink and drug, the larger the amount of bricks are added to that foundation…blocking out all the positive items possible in my plane of being…no longer seeing, feeling or touching what can be meaningful to life…however, if i am stripped of those destructive substances…giving me what i think i want…a new structure can be formed…piece by piece a different wall can be constructed…keeping out all of the bad things that inhibit growing in the likeness of our Creator…one more example, and i will quit…my son brought up the meaning of Christmas he heard in school before the holiday’s…he said it was the “Season For Forgiving”…made me kind of chuckle, a bit…i told him back, “you heard that wrong”…i said, “it is the Season of Giving”…i went on to explain that our society has been bent on commercialism…having kids make a list to Santa…telling him what they want under the tree every year…originally, Christmas was to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus Christ…that the wisemen followed a star in the sky…taking them to a manger in Bethlehem to greet the brith of a coming messiah…they handed out gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh…the meaning of Christmas is to give, not to take…just how the Lord gave His only begotten Son to our world, so that we may have everlasting life…we must give of ourselves if we expect to live long and happily on this planet…demanding that we get ends up taking everything from us…one part at a time

 

 

Nov 23

Thankfulness…Spiritualness…Togetherness…

Nov 02

Sowing the Now…

Oct 01

Endurant Acquiescence…

this week has been rough…encouraging…sudden…and promising…starting my new job Monday…not the greatest in pay…but, is bringing needed income…and, always potential for improvement…looking for growth and experience…more along the lines of what i’ve always wanted with employment…jobs should be more about interest…less than simply clocking in and collecting that paycheck…an event to be excited for showing up every day…rather than regretting waking up in the morning to get ready…still involved with training and orientation…being a call center, i have been hired for a Tier 1 Technical Support role…focus is on getting customers through issues with products…not on a time crunch…closer with finding answers to problems…asking a number of questions…gathering that information to zeroing in on where the problem lies…putting myself in the caller’s shoes…understanding clearly why they are needing the help…walking them through the solutions…securing confidence…only ending conversations after it is all set to completion

i appreciate that goal…it is how i would want to be handled in the same situation, if i were on the other end…which makes me look forward to following that moniker…fits with what i have known about the 12 Step way of life…not only telling someone what to do…giving them my own wisdom with comparable difficulties…guiding by hand…by foot…until resolution is solid…it’s how my sponsor works with me…listening closely…relating to what worked for him with same obstacles…reading a book and hearing someone talk about it just isn’t enough…we must co-pilot through the turmoil…showing how we truly care and identify…showing they are not alone…teamwork…willing to side with them until the broken is fixed…of course, this only happens when the person afflicted has the moxie to follow along…accepting the hardship…if stuck on doing else instead…not facing truth or reality…then we have to let them go…doing all that we can…we have shown who to turn to when nothing ever changes…no power to do everything for someone that is stubborn and keeping blind eyes…actions always speak louder than the words…thoughts and feelings haven’t purpose unless immediately shadowed by tasks of removing and changing them

a lot of the same can be said about my current spiritual life…for a while my faith and belief have been diminishing…due to expectations and demands not being met…so much i have worked for and grown towards seemed to have flown out the window…direction loomed in question…not sure which route to take anymore…was i doing the right things?…going the best way?…wasn’t confident about it all…calling out for help…praying for answers…still wasn’t getting the desired results…which ended up taking substantial tolls on me…beginning to doubt the existence of a God…my sponsor gave sound advice…knowing exactly what i was talking about, having gone through identical blocks…i must seek help from the source…and our 12 Step organizations haven’t a monopoly on spiritual matters…it’s just not a one-stop shop when it comes to fixes…in fact, that entire program originated from a number of different places and people…never did it come from within…it’s just been easier from those of us on the outside to look…when we had nowhere else to go…here are a group of people just like us who reach hands out in backing those that struggle…likely in pointing out to us how they found the sincere answers…collecting together, we share, in order of continuing on with a plan our Higher Power outlined for us…which brings us back, laying witness to others left behind who have come to that “Last House on the Block”…it is a safe space…we have communion with one another…it is Fellowship…we break bread and confide because of the similarities shining on, despite the differences in other places

church is where i’ve been going for access to that source of spiritual fulfillment…and for the past few weeks, every Sunday the sermon is about right where i am at today…amazing!…stories in the Good Book about people with hard times…they tap into that otherworldly foundation, which we like to call God…even when the big damage doesn’t alter…the reactions to it do…it is in finding that link to the Higher Power that leads to rightful aim…i am tired of the mad feelings and thoughts…nothing but negativity infiltrating my mind…it is no good…leads to nothingness and destruction of what has been built, so far…i do not want to go to those other spots anymore…instant gratification is not an answer…it is what drugs and alcohol did to me, for some time…it doesn’t work…i need what is permanent…that stays with me…through the good times and bad…Holy Spirit is what they name it in the Christian religion…it is what we have talked about in the Bible Study group i go to on Wednesday’s…reading and discussing Chapter 8 in the Book of Romans…it says that spirit will never leaves those who believe in the Father…only us stray from it…with bad thoughts, feelings and actions…worldly clamor’s…i must be obedient if i want other-humanly power to take control…impossible for me and other humans to take care of certain human frailties bringing us down…we need God’s help…and He is always there…it is in how i look for Him that He will be found…getting out of myself is the primary care…what can i do for others?…how do i pack into that “Stream of Life”?…is my recent focus blocking the “Sunlight of the Spirit?”…remove the material of this world…not the spiritual

bringing the other troubling part of this week…my grandmother passed away…having a horrible accident during a fall over the summer…she had hip replacement surgery…and more damage to blood circulation…this led to terrible infection and changes in medication…eventually put into a nursing home for maintaining proper care…having someone to watch over her condition…being at her house wasn’t enough…she needed to be looked after and monitored closely…the moving around of different medicines didn’t help much…it became more complicated…dementia set in…my mom was very concerned and had the family come out to visit her last weekend…Grandma was doing so good…mostly sleeping and calling out upset occasionally…i sat by her after some time and held hands to talk to her…then she opened her eyes to look up at me…this was so incredible to me…something i will never forget…how she spoke…what she said…some made very little sense…and then she got quieter…and leaned in to me closely…saying repeatedly that she wanted to “go home”…which made me very sad…initially i figured she meant her house in the country…because, i knew she didn’t like being at this nursing facility much…she felt more comfortable at her own dwelling…but, the more i considered it, i began wondering if she meant “home” to be in Heaven with the Lord

my grandmother had been in a lot of pain…i’m thinking she was wanting it all to stop…she had gone through so much…and it wasn’t getting any better for her…i doubt my mom knew this would happen so quickly…she probably just figured it wouldn’t get brighter, given how it all multiplied…so, i am so grateful she asked us all to come out and have lunch with Granny, while we could…there was just no telling when another chance would arrive…over these past several days since hearing about her death, i have been racking my brain…trying to remember what this woman has done for me in life…i never want to forget about it…she basically raised me…growing up with a second mother…teaching me about spirituality…how to think of others before myself…always doing her best in seeing that my needs were met…knowing what would help when times were bad…looking out and being there when i needed that shoulder to cry on…never judgmental…making sure to give restoration when i imagined the chips were down…an incredible lady…unconditionally loving…and i hope to carry on this legacy she left for me…it is all in the light of what death does for us…best to go on recalling what this woman did while still alive…not regretting her missing to do the same…she will continue living in my heart and mind…much how my Higher Power does…i have found myself wondering day by day if her Holy Spirit is lying inside me…is she watching down on me and the family?…seeing what we are doing?…how we are being?…the material is always soon lost and fleeting…the spiritual will always be here forever and not forgotten

 

Sep 17

Conditional Queries…

occasionally, dreams of drinking and drugging will come up…it has been some time since i have had any, until last week…i met a neighbor across the street from me a couple years ago, through mutual friends…he is not addicted to anything (that i know of)…we became acquainted through a group that goes out skateboarding…and even though we have never drank or used together before, he ended up in the dream…we went downtown to some bar…after a few drinks, i had gotten lit up enough to lose track of him…being a big place, i had to walk around a bit, looking…so many people were there…coming in and out, walking around…it was getting difficult to find his familiar face, in all the darkness and blue lights…eventually we found each other…then it became a task for locating where i had parked the car…another big undertaking…i remember swallowing many glasses of booze…just not sure what it was…probably beer…that didn’t seem to matter much…it was the sensation of getting drunk that stood out most, since it had been a long while from having a dream quite like this…marching around for blocks…searching through the lots…still could not find where i had left our ride…fearing it had been towed…besides…did it matter?…was i not in the right position to be driving anyway?…much like my old moments…worry…confusion…loss

then the dream took another direction…not sure if i had woken up, or not…that is usually how a new one starts, right?…it changed as if i were watching some documentary…a show about crimes that were committed…with a narrator telling the story…only, i was playing the criminal in first-person…taking off as a flying dream…running and leaping from a ledge…swooping down, just above the country-side…then, slowly levitating beneath the awnings of some business complex…a police helicopter followed in pursuit…as soon as it began firing bullet rounds at me, i picked up these boxes, or bales of hay…something to catch this barrage of firepower threatening me…as soon as one blew up in my hands, i would grab another…using the roof slanting down to cover myself…eventually it turned into a stand-off…nowhere else to go…i was stuck at an end corner of a building…the lost block was blown out of my hands…a voice hollered from the loud speaker of the cop chopper…i slowly dropped down to the ground

once waking up, i went over the last parts of this dream…that this fictional tragedy had been told through narration…about a crime that had taken place…i just couldn’t recall what was spoken about it…what came to my mind mostly, was the fact that i had been flying…what did that mean?…this got me looking through an internet search…most led to positive results…rising above problems in life..freedom from inherent problems…control over unsurpassable obstacles…this didn’t seem like much truth for me, currently…life has been very difficult for me…not having work…funds to pay bills and provide for my family coming to an end……faith and belief in a Higher Power diminishing, slowly…didn’t make much sense to me…finally, i found another supposed reason for the flying dream…making more clarity…it talked about a lack of motivation…issues with the past…goals too high for reaching…losing confidence in where you are going…these were listed under poor dreams with flying…still not sure it fill well…the flying part wasn’t scary at all…not exactly a nightmare…kind of exhilarating, in fact…i had fun cruising through the air, using my body only…kind of comical, really…for, i had not enjoyed being shot at by the authorities…just didn’t see anything frightening about the flying part…still, i questioned why i dreamed about it all…very strange

i have never asked whether i was an alcoholic/drug addict, or not…coming to the 12 Step program at the age of 18, i was given lot’s of descriptions fitting me perfectly…not once have i ever wanted to drink or get high conservatively…it was always about getting fucked up…that has been my goal since the start…sure, there have been instances when i did what i could to manage my use…but, this was only because something stood in the way of my enjoyment…like money issues, or people calling me out about it…this led to me finding places and times for doing it alone…this called for lying over what i was doing, where i had been…all textbook examples of drug addiction and alcoholism…being the age of 42 now, i cannot sit here and tell you i never touched another drop after getting sober initially…i have gone back out a few times…relapse is surely inevitable for who doesn’t stick to a program of action keeping people like us away from the next drink or drug…this has always been my fault…something in my toolbox hadn’t been used…never by an accident…and i haven’t ever gone back to thinking i would one day use and booze like a normal person…it had come on the basis of getting trashed any chance i could…most likely imagining getting away with it better than before…this led to more failure…after a short period, coming back to the rooms asking for help…avoiding the pending calamity

substance of large proportion has to happen in order for me to request assistance…i haven’t ever returned to the program after a few days of seeing it didn’t work for me like i wanted it to…no…it comes from a deep seeding wreck…like jail…divorce…loss of personal freedom…facing the end, again…coming to that “jumping off place”…nothing else to turn to except those who had gone before me in similar situations…walking out the other side, released of that selfish slavery…not knowing what direction to take on my own anymore, i would reach out my hand in agony for someone to walk with me to the better way…giving up the old life, in return for the new…not easy…always takes me facing a brick wall to see through the other side…and that sucks…wanting to figure it out, all on my own…not simple to accept advice from another…until that is all that is left to do

which brings me to where i’m at today…thoughts of getting drunk and stoned still come to me…i’m sure that is that way it will be forever…realizing that i am stricken with an incurable disease of being addicted to drugs and alcohol…it is more in how i react to that sick thinking and emotions that secure my future…questioning myself is a pure act of defiance…assumption that i have been wrong since the beginning…does not my past show proof of who i really am?…where have i been?…where do i go now?…my own sick head does not fix itself…i must have that outside resource…since dope and drink failed to provide that for me, i must search somewhere else…reliance upon other human origin is the only solution i have found…and when that outlet is fleeting from my life?…well…i must get back to searching for that understanding…silence and action is what i use presently in cleaning my head of the bad logic and ideas…reading words on the matter and listening to who carries the message is what delivers my yearning for God’s communication…which never happens to me overnight…it takes a daily practice to repeat…slowly, it all gets better…maybe not the outside world immediately…only within will my perception and awareness improve…keep putting that foot in front of the other…no matter what is going on…better than sitting in the mire, expecting exterior chemicals to change matters…it may alter the inside of me…but, only for a short term…the outer world stays the same, getting even worse the more i look to dope and alcohol for solution

this came up at a meeting i like going to…being cross-talk, it is different than any other i have been to before…a speaker shares for ten minutes on where there are at presently in sobriety…then, everyone introduces themselves by name, and the floor is left open for discussion…no raising hands to talk…no time limit…you can share as many times as you want…interrupting is even allowed…there is just no bashing…no drunk or drug logs…no telling the speaker what to do…just passing own personal experience, strength and hope about what has been said…more like group therapy…not a meeting centered on a particular topic brought from the literature we read everyday…this week, the guy telling us about his recent story talked of returning to the program after a “break”…he had been seeing where he had gone wrong before…wanting to amend what he was lacking in…that what he had been doing previously obviously didn’t work…he felt the need to add more, because of what was missing…he also brought up the fact of this wonder of whether he was really alcoholic or addicted…this had me going over the requirements for membership in our fellowship…it is only about a “desire to stop” using drugs and drink…nowhere does it say we have to be addicted

it meant that this guy had every right to be at our meeting, even if it was closed to members only…he fit that bill, listening to him talk…even a couple of the people who shared didn’t see what was wrong with others asking themselves if they were one of us, or not…it isn’t a disease another can classify people on…it must be decided for one’s self…after the group was over, i talked to the speaker…telling him that if he was really questioning his affliction, he should exert more investigation…a strong look at his history…a thorough reading of our books…a deep connection with us who had been through the wringer…if approached that way, it shouldn’t take long to see if you are one of us…and it may even require some more tests of casual drinking and recreational drug use before finding out the reality…as unfortunate is it sounds, it is the sore truth for those who don’t really know yet…i’ve never had a doubt in my mind about my affliction with dopey substances…if i had wanted to get messed up, i would do it…in how i was unable to do this responsibly is what placed me in the class of addict/alcoholic…i could not stop on my own…being mentally, physically and spiritually ill usually takes a phenomenal catastrophe for sight of the honest truth…and that is probably why we are named doomed and hopeless…an active nature of providence is greatly expected for who is incurable, if they are to recover

 

 

 

Sep 05

Inwardly-Spiritually Conciliated…

even with a considerable amount of sobriety time, it has become difficult for me to be open about what is going on, lately…mostly i relate it to selfishness…that being the root of all my troubles, shouldn’t i be more concerned with what others are going through right now?…i mean, aren’t there people who are struggling far more than i am currently?…do not i already have the tools readily at disposal for fighting ill’s and disparities with life?…thinking about myself only is what i always battle with…and it keeps cropping up…so, when stuff gets very rough for me, it is unbearable to endure…going back to what was mentioned in the previous blog, what is it i ought to be writing about in here?…do i really have a place in telling you all of my story?…shall i keep personal trials and errors away?…who is taking a good look at this?…the aim of HMR has always been in reaching out to similar folk, and not those with power of criticizing or patronizing me…this blog is meant for the likeminded who need support and experience with what they are, or have been…who knows what is looking with a search on the internet, using it to disadvantage?

this is a number of reasons i’ve done my best in keeping the mouth shut…yet, doing what i can in staying away from the dark places has been timing for more ruin…i have finally reached an end point…i’m at that “jumping off” place…cannot keep quiet about it anymore…tired of maintaining that happy face…and when members of the fellowship are asking me how i am, i return with “alright…how are you?”…it has always been my focus in stashing what is wrong within myself to find out what is bothering them…looking for what i can do to assist other people having issues with sobriety and life…helping my fellows through service work…remaining available is a key tool for continuing that walk through sober time…i must give away what i have in order to keep it, right?…and what happens when i run out of more to hand away?…when i have depleted every resource inside myself?…empty of worth, guidance, hope, positivity and truth?…where to then?

exactly where i was Saturday morning…attending the Men’s meeting i normally go to…just didn’t want to be there…wondering why i came?…was it looking for more networking on the job search?…getting out of the house awhile?…a hundred other things i could have been doing…places i could have gone…and, no…i just suited up and showed up…because, it’s what i’ve been bred to do, using the 12-Step program of action…feeling as down and bad as i have been…a compulsory desire to cry out came…once the meeting started, i was bent on sharing about it…even if it had little (or nothing) to do with the topic at hand…i felt the need to disclose what was bringing me to this place…which eventually led to keeping my mouth closed, again…i’ve always been one to share experience, strength and hope with the newcomer…to side along with them…telling what it had been like for me before, what happened to walk me in and how it is like now that i’ve lived this new life of freedom from the disease of alcoholism/drug addiction…considering this, it meant i just wasn’t there…which made me want to confide in the group even more…because the first half of this meeting is devoted to the newcomer, and the last half for those who have the solutions and answers, i assumed it was right for me to throw my hand up and speak…then, looking across the room, i saw my sponsor…since i hadn’t talked to him yet about my woes, i put the plug in my mouth and steadily tried to listen…not easy to do…in fact, i didn’t much care what the last member had to share…and i walked out early to stand outside, waiting for it all to be over…this too, was a last straw for me…as i have always been good about separating that “moment of silence” at the beginning of a meeting to ask God for removal of my judgments against others, so that i can better hear His message

once my sponsor came out when the meeting was over, i let him know about this horrible place i was in…we got together later in the day, and i described in detail all the poor thoughts i was having…all the negative, awful ideas plaguing my mind…not being able to break away from it…no matter what i did…what stopped working…new directions taken…older routes not producing anymore…losing complete faith and belief in a Higher Power…not knowing what to do or where to go…reaching that ropes end…another month of this, and i wasn’t sure where i was headed…something had to change soon…although i had stuck with what was keeping me sober this long…i couldn’t not see any brightness ahead…everything i was picturing was in the dark…my sponsor really listened to me (as he always does), nodding his head…bringing assistance…first was evening review…something i had been keeping from…it is okay for me to talk to God about everything…no matter what it is…and i have been solely about placing prayer mostly on others struggling with course dealings…even when i don’t have solid answers in what they need to do…keeping the requests generic…expecting my Higher Power to give providence in taking them where they need to go…so, not only is starting the day off with direction important…but, closing it up by looking at what has been accomplished…where i have made mistakes…asking God for help in correction…this is vital, as well

secondly, my sponsor suggested  what i had never heard about before…the Two-Way Prayer…he said to find some time alone…in the silence with pen and paper…thinking of one question to ask from my Higher Power, writing it down…after a few moments, continue with scribbling whatever comes to hand…this acts as like an inner-screening, if you will…for i’ve never heard the voice of God coming from the Heavens…it has always been through other humans, like yourself…this is why going to meetings is most important to me…i hear his ethereal speech from your words…copying down whatever comes to me in such a short period of engagement should be enough in reviving a prayer back to me from my Higher Power…and as strange as it sounded, i figured it was at least worth a shot…my sponsor has always been choice in finding ways of moving me through alternate avenues…pointing out what is missing…after our chat, we went and committed to some service work…then i came home, telling my wife more about what had been distressing me…it was releasing, getting out what i had been holding inside me for many days…she then offered to do something special…bring me out of the awful spirits…we went and picked up items to get ready for barbecue at the house…i love cooking on my grill…she also brought up giving the church down the street a chance, since we hadn’t found a new home of worship in a few years

Sunday morning was right where i needed to be…the sermon at this congregation targeted on the Book of Job…not what i have ever read about before…only completing the New Testament, not the entire text, yet…Job was an upright citizen…outstanding man…free of sin…and all of the sudden, he ended up losing everything…possessions…children…health…this led him to alarm friends and family…even asking God why it had all happened…not much of an encouraging response from wife and companions…they decided to point at parts that he could have been responsible for, instead…where was he unfavorable?…God wouldn’t do bad things to good people, would He?…although Job never received direct response from the Lord, he eventually saw what caused ill was in outward appearance only…much more true and relevant examples are what live within us…to never give up…only carry on through closer examination of self…this is what moves us through individual strife with liberation…since i have not been through nearly what Job had…nor have i ever been the pinnacle of good manhood as he…i had been losing trust and countenance of greater assistance than human power

after the service, i decided to go on a bicycle ride…what i had been meaning to do a lot more of…getting exercise and losing pounds…never been one to get into jogging…or lifting weights…i like to have fun…and riding my bike is one of those things enjoyed…finding paths through neighborhoods…keeping safe…sticking to roads with bike lanes and are under a 40 mph speed limit…trails are my favorite…i have a beach cruiser…so mountain bike tracks are not for me…i like the gravelly, sidewalk ones that journey through the woods…which took me to the closest one by my home that i like a lot…good ride…still, i couldn’t keep crap from entering my head on the way there…this caused me to ask my Higher Power in taking that from me…to direct my attention on what i was doing…riding my bicycle and keeping an eye on the traffic…what came up in my mind the most was what to ask God for on the paper, when doing the Two-Way Prayer…in arguing with myself about this, i stopped…diverting the questioning to where was the ideal spot for sitting down to do it…in the shade…at a picnic table…which happened perfectly for me…and i believe the best result made from all this was realizing that meditation is what i lacked in freeing my psyche from the littered cognition…as i sat there on that bench, wondering what i should be writing about…alternatively shifted objective to what i heard around me…water running in the creek…birds chirping in the trees…wheels grinding through the gravel from other riders on the trail…this suited me well enough to finish what was started…i couldn’t have asked for more

it isn’t to say that it all has gotten better for me…outside, i’m sure it has pretty much continued the same…it is the inner me that has a greater opportunity for improvement…a lot like how drugs and alcohol were used, to tell the truth…whenever plans threw bad hands at me…not dealing well with what was coming forward…i would get loaded…an attempt at calming the disruptions in my brain and heart…this lead to more and more using…because nothing exterior had modified…it had only gotten worse, in fact…today i do what i find in transforming these obstacles…but, when complications keep arising, what do i do?…cannot just sit in silence, waiting for the change…i must reach out to any hand that is there…seeking quiet in a most natural way, not dangerous…do i know what is to come next?…no…i don’t…if i knew what God’s plan was for me, than i could actively play Him myself…wouldn’t need a 12-Step program in keeping me sober and sane…but, i do not have that power, being a human…the meaningful action to take is keep heading up the river…looking for the source of that life-wielding water…through the woods…mud…stones…and other difficult terrain…there is where it is found…everywhere else…inside and out…He is my Rock…my Redeemer…Immovable…only one strays from existence when the mind isn’t where the soul is…this dimension lives on forever…despite the material being…and i haven’t too far in looking to find it…it is wherever i go…always with me

 

 

Aug 15

Inquisitive Bibelots

never stop questioning where to go with this blog…still want to keep it on sobriety using the 12 Steps…better about not referencing already written books on the subject…focusing more on my own words…normally, i find each title first…how it’s relating directly to what is going on with me…which brings up personal things walked through…as well as memories of past mistakes and solutions found…this has been jogging around in the back of my head over the last couple weeks…getting emails from groups a part of on the internet, regarding writing…some of these are articles about blogs…one in particular went over how most successful bloggers stay away from intimate recollections, or specific instances in personal life…this sounds more like fiction, to me…i’ve always looked at blogging as a sort of journal…its how i have always carried messages of recovery from alcoholism/drug addiction…then again, i’m not really sure who is reading this…what truly has brought my eyes around to this is my profile on Linked In…being out of work, the wonder is if any prospective hiring manager, HR personnel or acquisition recruiters follow the links to this page…knowing i am the author?…in that case, maybe i should not be going on about my horrible past with dope and booze…for nearly ten years now, i have wrote under the pseudonym of Half Measures Room…protecting my anonymity to keeping in-line with the 11th Tradition…over the last many months, directions have changed with that…never claiming membership to any particular 12 Step fellowship here, it appears okay to connect employers with my work online to this website

writing has always been a hobby and passion of mine…beginning with poetry and short stories…this grew into blogging, once entering sobriety…and i miss the online radio program i used to host on blogtalkradio.com…can’t wait to start doing that again someday soon…it’s been my goal with writing to bring my own narrative to light, on paper and the computer screen…the best way i have communicating with people…always has been…now working on a novel started years ago…more of an auto-biographical piece, with some fiction thrown in…taking a lot of time and effort…not sure exactly how far through with it i am…over the past few days, the title and premise of a new, fully fictional novel has come to mind…too much to take in, right now…creativity has been running rampant in my mind and hands…and i don’t want it to stop…writer’s block had it’s hold on me for awhile…just not caring for it’s return…still not sure who is looking at material put out for this blog…are you addicted, like i am?…in recovery?…looking for help?…or, do you just like reading stuff?

maybe your just wondering why the hell it’s put out for the eyes like this…it isn’t a reason i’ve gone into great detail about…kept it to myself, mostly…doing what i can in staying original…all the lower-case is meant in singling out each sentence…one statement as it’s own…these lead to definition of the three periods between them…also, a way setting aside the lines…keeping apparent their meanings…plus, i like numerology in written word…the periods stand for substance…Unity, Service, and Recovery…Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness…the Father, Son and Holy Spirit…i could go on and on about it…but, i’m thinking you get the picture now…is this a good way to blog?…i haven’t the slightest clue…nobody ever responds to it anymore…i had to rid the comment box here on Word Press, because it was getting infected with malware and spam…the profiles created on Linked In, Facebook and Twitter are pretty silent…much why i’m itching to get back to internet radio…for getting the words out there again…online meetings…meetings in print…this has been the aim for HMR since it started in 2008…non-profit…spreading 12 Step recovery to those who want it most, and have not found it…reaching that hand out there to who is lost, not knowing what to contact for help

only ever been best at writing about what i have been through myself…this provides credence to the directive reviewed while reading…i haven’t any business going on about what i haven’t any idea of…it’s even how my pieces of fiction and poetry have been…all through the sight and thought of the author printing it…how i’ve come to describing such happening in my mind, body and spirit (three periods!)…once getting ahold of sobriety, my interests with the 12 Steps flowered and blossomed…through looking at what had been done…following angles to success and freedom…i wanted to discover more about it…it’s how i’ve always been about life…what my “Elevator Speech” in finding the right job goes into…the How’s and Why’s of everything…once i see an object working…why it is there?…doing what it does?…then, i want to find out how…particulars and specifics…what operates in giving desired results?…after going in all the intricacies, my eyes, ears and hands open to possibilities of growth and development…a larger toolbox is presented, offering availability to what similar creeps up next

inner workings of anything go to show true value after asking about purpose and scope…it is built when using products and services continually…much like how jigsaw puzzles work…we love seeing the proposed picture atop the box…opening it up, all types of different shaped pieces are exposed…taking each one out to look, we see them opposing each other…this can immediately cause confusion, frustration…if deciding to continue, we will step back and assess the situation…where do we start first?…with the easiest method, obviously…flat lines match up better…certain design and colors fit closely…time will pass, after taking this route…soon, we have borders…these line together, eventually…edges become square…now, we have the frame of this picture we want to create…how did we get this far already?…what can take us further than that?…seeking out pieces that fit in the holes left over…which ones slides in correctly?…according to shape and image?…with more watchful guidance, we will be well on our way to a finished masterpiece, one sawed and painted shape at a time

still, not absolutely sure where i’m going with this…so much on my mind and plate today…working…writing…responsibility…family…sobriety…friendship…is what i’m doing so far been effective?…should i be trying different ways?…will it all operate the way i’m expecting it to?…is what i’m assuming will happen really what is needed?…needs and wants are not always the same as each other…my will and God’s will can be far apart…the only times i’ve even looked for help is when facing a failure…and that is where this job search quest is for me…a query struggled with answering at interviews is the whole “What is your greatest weakness?”…some answers are not the greatest to give out…depends on what the hiring team is wanting to find…yet, i do want to be honest…only, not forbidding…how should i say it?…must be that i am overwhelmingly weak with looking for assistance when approached with a problem…always bent on figuring things out on my own…however, the solution i’ve found with this handicap, is involving help where it is needed most…trouble-shooting and advice from others who have dealt with the same kind of predicament…this deals with it adequately…but, when on a time crunch, or more is expected from you, what other choices do you have?…insanity is commonly defined as committing to the same ideal, over and over, when nothing ends up changing…the expectation is for it to be altered, all on it’s own…getting fastened to that is what points to service and support…nobody has to do it for you…they just nudge you another way

a guy i have known for years in sobriety called me the other morning…haven’t seen or heard from him for a few months now…we go to different meeting places…both of us lead busy lives…neither one is good at contacting those we don’t run into much…used to acting with schedules we have set up for ourselves…so, it was extremely nice catching up…he asked about riding bikes, since that is a big commonality we have…even mentioned getting together and cycling down a greenbelt trail we share an affinity for…that is awesome!…gives us downtime with spending in person, face-to-face…he also asked about my jobless situation…what had i been doing about that?…then, he went a little more particular…asking about sponsorship…telling me he wasn’t that good at finding that kind of partnership with someone…that he hadn’t sponsored anyone for some time now…”How do you find sponsees?” he asked…i couldn’t believe i was hearing this from him!…i mean, this dude has thirty years without a drink or drug…stopped getting loaded around the same time I started picking it up…i couldn’t think of what to tell him…so, i said “Dude, I am the wrong person to ask about this”

then, he went even deeper than that…wanting to know if the reason newbies don’t ask him for sponsorship is because of the way he shares in meetings…was there something turning these prospects away from him?…i could only return in telling him what i knew…that he had always been my back-up with issues in sobriety…if my sponsor were to ever move away…or, if i couldn’t get in touch with him, for one reason or another…this good friend of mine would be my go-to guy on working the steps for sobriety…he is dependable…does the stepwork steadily…and i trust him with my deepest, darkest secrets…”i’ve never liked the idea of raising hands to offer sponsorship to those needing it at the end of meetings.” i told him…all i could think about is how i met the man who took me through the steps…he drew near to me…listening to what i had to say about dilemmas getting sober…not having an ability in putting the drink and drug down…which he agreed upon, confiding in me his own likeness…and what did he have to do in quitting?…that is exactly what the 12 Steps are about…which is where we started in our relationship…one man walking with another…bringing him up with the way he was brought by another…because, we just can’t do it alone…it takes teamwork…one mind…one heart…and one action used together

 

 

Jul 29

Stomping Out the Fix…

my wife and i have kids that live primarily with their others…during each summer they do come and stay with us throughout the week…it cuts down on daycare costs, since my wife works from home and can keep a good eye on them…since i’m without a job right now, i’ve become involved this year…the younger two kids are the ones with us…and are constantly at the opposite’s throat…fighting and arguing about everything…getting on everyone’s nerves…happening every day…starts as soon as they wake up…and goes on until laying down for bed at night…then start all over again…when we see who is at fault, they get punished or grounded, or whatever…sometimes it is hard to figure out which person is in the wrong…one of them tells us something…and the other, usually at a completely different side…who are we to believe?…each is only looking out for themself…to each, his (or her) own…especially when they expect their opponent getting the blame…we have tried every means for coming up with on addressing such problem…getting them to play games together, or as a family…going to the park daily…which usually ends up with one coming home early…because they have hurt their foot…or, ran out of water to drink…anything to get away from the proposed partnership…it just grows tiresome, watching them play in their rooms alone…messing with tablets and smartphones all the time…or gaming on the Playstation (which turns up another sibling battle)…one wants to watch a movie instead…or play a different video game…just never seeming to stop…separately…apart…it doesn’t come out well

today it happened again (like always)…becoming very agitated, i waited…after calming myself, i found what to say…having both kids in front of me, i spoke as slowly and frankly as i could…telling them that feelings of anger are not wrong to have…we just can’t help getting frustrated, at times…it’s basic instinct…like love and fear…developing natural emotion isn’t bad…just part of the human make-up…it is in how we react to it that determines difference with the world…yelling and being mean to people will not solve the issue at hand…it compounds problems…”much how you are looking at me now”, i told the boy, who was giving me a hateful eye…continuing with this rhetoric, i said that quarreling doesn’t result in valued solution…only one-sided debate…best using soft-spoken, quiet voice when entering dispute…listening to the differing party in earnest…doing what we can to put ourselves in their shoes, for a change…hearing another angle in the story…once that entirely new picture is in focus, an agreement possibly is reached…otherwise, it’s adding fuel to the fire…best example i could come up with, so they could better understand what i was getting to is when an object becomes broken…instead of picking it up to get a good look at it…trying to find out what went wrong…we will jump on top of it…or throw it on the ground…shattering the valuable property to pieces…this happens in anger…now the piece of past quality never sees it’s day in court…not another opportunity of repair will arise…we will have to replace what has been destroyed…because of failure in putting special time and effort towards discovering exactly what went wrong…this calls for more cost and expenditure…which could have been avoided with care and attention

feelings, thoughts and moods can set the eve of destruction…and it doesn’t always have to be that negative…no matter how much is going on…seeming out of control…too much in handling…just should not be taken in all by ourselves…reliance on separateness…honesty with people of trust..giving larger scope of the conflicted life circumstances…especially entailing brutality about it…further necessitating interaction with those worthy hearing our darkest, secret outset…showing we accept help in that way…realizing that of our own device, nothing healthy comes out…taking it all piece by piece…dissecting it…appearing much clearer for approach…eyeing it all as one big mess is tougher to swallow…one particular at a time…can it all be concluded right now?…no…of course not…usually combines time and distinctive study in how to amend what went wrong…not easy…but simple when looked at that way

answers for what was mistaken with me and the world surrounding had been with getting loaded…it was the chief resolution found…changing the way i felt about any given position…probably why i became dually addicted…ready to pick up anything…wanting excitement when morose…needing to chill out with too much to deal with…other times just bored and wanting to liven up a little…or depressed and expecting to be happy about goings-on…didn’t matter anymore…after being empty of money, a certain substance wasn’t of concern…it was the effect that i needed…eventually came physical, medical symptoms…using to overcome cravings…ailments…side-effects…tremors…hangovers…whatever it took to satisfy body, brain urges for more…drugs or alcohol only temporarily treated that serious inner conflict unprepared to face…that bothersome reality always back there waiting when coming to…strong reasons for continuing being fucked up…escape…this repeated routine and cult expanded mistakes and trauma into doubles and triples…onward and further outward…ultimately came no other alternative with running away…apparent to everyone in contact, for it had affected them to the core, also…only option left was facing the music…or continue chasing the dream…oblivion…this boundary can be so bright for those devoid of hope and forgiveness…amazing in that way…seemingly broke and beyond, correction turns on it’s side for us…just requires seeing it other ways

at 3 months sobriety i had faced a divorce…my daughter only 4 years old, at the time…still thanking God she cannot recall how much of a drunk and drugee i used to be…at times my wife would be working at night…i’m at home, watching the baby…the door would slam shut…screams crying out…waking me back up…eyes going down to the floor, where the baby lay sleeping…empty 32 oz. beer laying beside her…guzzling so much with her on my lap, i had passed out…she rolled down to the ground…the empty booze container bouncing off alongside…not a pretty sight…and i hope she will never remember anything like that happening…horrible…and it’s just how i was…on more than one occasion…in and out of sobriety…not only once had i gone back to the old life…so, was it such a shock that divorce impended my future?…yet, i became enraged over it…i mean, here i am…doing what i could getting through the 12 Steps (again)…making meetings every day…a couple times a day…more, if i could…getting with my sponsor…going over where i had come…where i need to go next…and it still wasn’t enough?…the battle was over…forced to move out of a family i had damaged

living back with my folks…sharing a room to sleep in with my brother…he smoked pot all the time…coming home in the evenings…i did everything i could to not raid that liquor cabinet i had done as a kid…or pack a bowl in the bong under my siblings bed…not a snap overcoming these temptations…so, i just spoke to people about it…friends…parents…sponsor…the group…telling them it didn’t seem to matter anymore, not getting fucked up now…no wife to come home to…no child to look after…i was in solitary…and “no!”, they would all respond back…i’m still a father…if ever wanting to be part of my daughter’s life again, i had to carry on…keeping up with what i had been doing…knowing how it had worked for me, so far…i hadn’t yet picked up again…even if it was only a few months since that last drink or drug…it was possible to never give up…for, faith without the works is death…turn the 12 suggestions around…practice their principles in every case threatening…admitted powerlessness over a wife…that marriage had become unmanageable…insanity when thinking that dope or alcohol could alter anything ultimately…coming to belief that different powers (other than myself, or humanity) would change things…and after making that decision to turn will and life over to this entity, to launch on that ‘course of vigorous action’…take inventory to find where i had been the cause of predicaments…making arrangements in correcting what i had done…all of it followed by continuous relations with supplemental people…communion with similar individuals…showing witness to continuance of sobriety, despite whatever difficulty…expressing how by giving we receive…at what great measure, we expect the least