Nov 24

Spatial Graciousness…

together-2spent some time over the past few days thinking about how to go about writing this…usually making it a point to post blogs during frantic, busy holiday seasons…for those of us in recovery, it can be a trying time…no matter what your work schedule is…how your family situation lies…it’s most important to keep what is needed frontal…if it is our own issue with celebration during a crushing period of newfound sobriety, the meeting room is the vital place for congruency…like any other day of the year, this is the spot where those who are likeminded get together for answers, solutions and sometimes just simple support in hard moments…it isn’t what we have to say specifically…it’s just that we are there…

yesterday on the job, as i work in construction, the main contractor had declared a half-day…so, this is what i had expected, going in that morning…as a quality assurance technician, i was out in the field performing certain tests…then lunchtime came around and everyone started shutting it down…and i went back to my office to put up equipment…after entering data into our network system, i went to touch base with the engineers, making sure all bases were covered before leaving…when going over all that had been completed on my end, the head boss had me go out and sort through our asphalt samples, separating them by date…

angrythis pissed me off, as these bags are not only heavy, but piled up and stacked in multitude…i have been disappointed and angry back and forth for a couple years now, since my graduation as a Bachelor of Science in Software Engineering…getting away from labor and increasing my scope, pay and position with employment has been my goal…expectation…demand…how dare this be my way at making a living anymore!…which caused me to throw bags around…slamming particular samples on the wooden deck…spitting…cussing…hustling back in forth, in hopes that this higher-up can see me from his window…all the while, i’m watching other employees from my department getting in their own cars, backing up and pulling away…a couple gave me waves…at one point, the admin stopped and rolled down her window…”Have a good Thanksgiving!”…as mad as i was, it was all i could do to look up, smile, and raise my hand in agreeance…

after going through the heap of piles, pulling out all that need accounted for, i divided what had been set aside…then i set out some scrap paper, logging in by date and label what i had found that was asked for…after compiling what had been recovered, i made sure to copy and align the list in chronological order…which when done had calmed me a bit…by the time i stepped back to the boss’s trailer, my disposition was normal again…i explained what had been recorded, what i had found, and what to expect when looking for it…he thanked and showed appreciation, which set my mind more at ease…i realized then it wasn’t simply labor that was expected of me…it was my knowledge and experience looked for when taking on this project…not easy for me to absorb, handle and execute…but, made more sense the longer i had thought about it…i know the difference in mix types…the numerology of type identification…and the dates in which they were produced, as i had placed them in collection originally…

thinkingsomething similar has happened concerning my family recently…after going through high school, my addiction and alcoholism had taken horrible turns for the worse…at the height of my using career, my parents had brought in a younger daughter and son…now being the oldest of 4 didn’t stop my binge on getting loaded daily…eventually this landed me in jail…my youngest brother and sister were still toddlers, and hadn’t a clue of why i was there, or what it meant of me being away for so long…so separation is something i haven’t a clear understanding on, concerning this situation…after being freed and completing probation of 10 years, my life began growth into new, prospective behavior…starting a family of my own, and committing to personal responsibilities, i went through several rough patches until reaching where i’m at today…still having a number of tasks and duties required from me, it isn’t hard to put things on the back burner, or forget about them completely…last week, my youngest brother asked to borrow my bicycle, as he was going to the ACL Fest in downtown Austin, TX…i was sure this was to avoid expensive parking and traffic when using his own car…so i hadn’t any issue with it, especially since he was adamant about using a bike lock to keep it from getting stolen…

he came and picked it up on his own, me leaving the garage unlocked so he could get to it…then, after a few days, he talked about coming back to bring it to me…that’s when the thought occurred that we just didn’t have much in partnership with each other…most of which is my fault…i’ve never been much of a brother to him…and this saddened me…how many times have i been there for him?…for what else have i gone out of my way to be of help?…aside from yearly holiday’s, what effort and space have i provided to be in service to this close member of my family?…not much…and i now mean to vocalize this to him next time we are together, which will be for Thanksgiving…i want to reach out and remain available…keep an eye and ear out for opportunities to bring us closer, rather than apart, like it has been now for years…although i don’t even know how much we have in common with each other, it is what is setting us apart that i have a chance for reconciling…

awakein that i will end with saying this…life has been colluded with much divisiveness, as of late…politics…society…religion…sexuality…ideology…healthcare…ethnicity…employment…you name it…and have we not been in places like this before?…have not solutions to these issues ever been found?…forget a group of people…what about within yourself?…at what other period in your life have beginnings started inside your own heart, mind and soul?…it takes an individual to start the team…one thought…one feeling…one belief…discarded for what another has used to meet challenges and reach goals and conquer difficulties…that is what the open-mind means…success in life sometimes means discarding old ways for new ones…for if i am the only one who knows the right way to anything, wouldn’t that make me God myself?…and playing God or being God are definitely two different things…involving the open space around me and seeing through different eyes will bring my position in this world to new heights…above and beyond…the only way to freedom is up and not down…there is so much more out there to behold…no matter what is facing us presently…tomorrow is always a new day for us…we should never hold today as the end of it all…

 

Nov 07

Ceased Victimization Through Honesty…

Sun shining through bars window in a prison

attended a conference covering correctional facilities service work this weekend…meaning look into taking meetings into prisons, treatment centers, etc…picked up an application to fill out and send for turn in…quite a good line-up of speakers at this event…the first was a local judge, which did alert my attention, as i couldn’t see how much he would contribute to the discussion…however, he had been a trial lawyer for some years before appointed judge…and his current court covers mental health, child protection and divorce cases/settlements…what he pointed out most through his talk, in my mind, is the point that looking at how to help others is far more important than focusing on what one personally wants…removal of selfishness in how to best serve people in dire need of help

second speaker was unlike any i had ever heard before…he brought guitar’s and harmonica’s to sing along with his story…quite phenomenal…the third had made many visits to the penitentiary…it was in jail that he was introduced to the program…however, it took quite a bit for him to accept another’s help for solving problems…when serving a 10 year sentence for manslaughter, he spent most of his time locked up in working through the program…emerging from the bars as a free man, in the sense that alcoholism/drug addiction had been solved, as long as he continued to follow a few simple steps

this ended up being a great time for me receiving a letter from a fellow drunk/drugee i’ve known for years…we have been writing each other back and forth for a few months now…she had gotten a DWI and failed to complete the probation, which violated and revoked her into prison…fortunately, she was able to join a program called SAFP (Substance Abuse Felony Punishment)…this has classes that are there to help those serving because of drug/alcohol type offenses…as far as i know, this lasts a couple of years…after sending her my book of blog collection, she said she had written a lot and wanted to join the online sobriety community, once getting out…i told her that after sending me enough material, i would create a sober-blogging profile for her…so, below is the first thing she has sent…looking forward to hearing more from her

img_2460Hello There, Self;

This week has been like the Mad magazine back cover , where if you fold the picture in half on the sides there is a hidden picture within the picture. Being here has truly had it’s inner hidden agenda, that has opened the door to my own personal beliefs being smashed.  Prime example has been the illusion lived as viewing myself a victim:  a good person being separated, but somehow corresponding with thinking errors of “ownership attitude”

I’ve made myself look at what others have seen in me, by taking time to be open with their opinions.  What I found I did not like.  The hatred that came about towards myself was not even anywhere close to how I had been feeling.  I have been lying by omission to myself in protecting life of sickness.  Becoming addicted to pain, victim stance, negative emotions.  The thought if I looked like I knew what I was talking about, or acted angry, negative or mad.  It would push people away and they wouldn’t get close to where I would be.  In position to being loved, and then therefore subject to being hurt.

This new awareness has opened up a block, and “stuck mode” in aspect of knowing what sick feels like.  Being absolutely terrified of success.  Being a liked person and drama-free.  Even taking another’s pain away, or holding feelings in to save others.  Day by day, not allowing them to be of service.  This goes deep into the Control Aspect – or as 12-steppers believe, “playing the actor”.  I have faith that unknowingly playing God, and by not being honest about my behaviors, I have made others my victims (my children and sister).  Now that I am aware of this (through peers A-Z, strangers) I am able to admit by thinking and action have to be let go, or cease conduct by accepting the consequences of growth.

Knowing this now, I can begin Step One and realize it is action, not words.  Even when I think I’ve got it, I don’t. There is always more to address, and more will be revealed as I learn how to Let Go and Let God!  Thank you for this assignment.

Jo

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Nov 04

Answers of Tools for Bottoms and Relief from God to New Life…

img_2439around 2008-2009 a crowd of guys from my home group visited this cigar lounge…it was a place to sit and chat while puffing on a stogie chosen from their wide selection…great place…a few customers came in to drink, as well…but, they didn’t serve alcohol…it was like a BYOB bar…they did sell ice cold teas, which i liked a lot…all different kinds of exotic flavors…just a nice place to go and chill…unfortunately, it didn’t last very long…i guess they just didn’t get much in the way of customers to stay afloat…but, i did get to meet some good men in the program…some of which i stay in contact with today

this type of interaction ended up moving to dude’s houses…sort of a casual 12-step meeting, instead of the more organized types you find in the group-halls or clubhouses…just a place for certain, selected members to gather and talk with each other about sobriety and what life is like today, using the steps for not picking up a drink or drug again…definitely more relaxed atmosphere…not a place people were forced to go to from the courts…really only meetings for those doing the deal…trusting each other with confidentiality…and making connections for sources with experience and guidance through stepwork

canstock5148130-6-25-32-pmeventually things broke up…people stopped showing…a couple guys moved away…it just ended…then a men’s meeting started up at the group…this has grown phenomenally!…a women’s meeting starts right after…and i’ve seen it blossom, as well…it just goes to show how important it is for the men to stick to the men, and women to the women, in this program…some people do look for hook-ups…there have been issues…what’s important to realize is there’s no 13th Step to the program…sobriety must come first…all else comes later, after we’ve cleaned house and started helping others…it’s how i met my wife, who is in sobriety…we were both working on our own problems, taking care of business…and then just happened to bump into each other through mutual acquaintances…fellowship is cool like that…we can meet up and have experiential, growing personal relationships with each other…these sometimes elaborate into intimate and meaningful partnerships…each looking out for each other, and never separately or selfishly divided

last year one of the men from this group at my home club was seriously injured in a horrible bicycle crash…it did severe damage to his head, which kept him in the hospital for a few months…surgeries were involved…major complications were with some vital arteries…his motor skills had diminished, keeping him paralyzed through parts of his arm and legs, keeping him in a wheelchair…this prompted a group to bring meetings once a week to him…i was able to make one of these visits with my sponsor…after showing significant improvement, his hospital stay ended, yet he was still under strict therapy…this moved the meetings to his home, once a week…it reminds me of the times i had spent with a group of guys before, and something i really look forward to…simply a no-brains, like-minded collection of individuals, banding together for quiet chat on life, sobriety, difficulties, spirituality and solutions

birlik beraberlik & zirve mutluluğuusually these have been book studies…although, if someone speaks up about a particular problem they are having, it quickly switches to a discussion meeting…a couple weeks ago we started in on a chapter from the 12 & 12…i was immediately drawn to some articles mentioned in the pages we read from…but, one dude was having issues brought up from the reading, so the topic switched over in helping him out…and, i made sure to make some quick notes after getting home and include them in this blog…some of them were important, as they are things i’ve been thinking about lately

specifically, it went into the types of people who are only sincere in approaching the steps of our program if looking to stay alive themselves…this is what is known as a bottom…since the 12 Steps direct actions exposing the ugly side of a persons behavior, thoughts and feelings, not everyone would be drawn to that type of solution…if this includes correcting mistakes made by searching deep down into the secrets of a person’s life, not everyone could be willing to explore the dark long ago…unless this was a matter of life and death…faced with that kind of dilemma, only the most desperate, hopeless and powerless sufferer would follow those kind of principles…and lately, i don’t see this as just alcoholics and drug addicts being prospects for this solution…many types of people who face calamities can benefit from this way of life

in fact, Frank Buchman, creator of the Oxford Group, was not a drug addict nor an alcoholic…this should be a clear example of what i’m talking about here…the 12 Steps were born from this organization, in that it sought to remove selfishness from one’s purpose in order to live without fear, searching God for a “moral re-armament”…Buchman dealt with resentments, eventually discovering a way to rid that type of sustained anger by forgiving and making restitution for harm done…thus, the 4 Absolutes (honesty, purity, unselfishness and love) were adopted for the Oxford Group movement…this was a pivotal way for people in desperation seeking help to progress through life successfully…for those without any answers (such as drunks and dope fiends), this became an altruistic beginning to a new way of walking paths…which is why organizations such as AA were born, as it has always been easier taking advice and suggestion by those who have lived much the same horrible past…it is how fellowships have been known to grow and flourish

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Oct 19

Finding Darkness Within Light…and Lightness Among the Dark…

img_2326finishing what i have started is sometimes an issue of mine…but, today i do my best in making that happen…whether it be work…play…family time…togetherness with friends…which is what i meant in bringing with me to the Men’s retreat last month…attending this twice before…once a couple years ago…and the first time in 2012…the mission is for intensive work of the 12 step program to continue sobriety…over the course of a couple days during the weekend…we band together to practice these principles…my hopes have always been in finding what i’ve missed…certain ideals, meanings and actions come forward…and i’ve always left with freedom from the bondage of self…it’s an amazing journey…something i look forward to every year, and hope to continue throughout my lifetime

i did happen to take a few quick notes from the speakers while there…one has caught my eye, and had me questioning it’s purpose…i don’t quite remember in what reference it is to…the word is orthodoxy, and next to it in parenthesis is the phrase “trick bag”…looking up this meaning, it is the “condition, quality or practice of conforming”…usually identified when relating to religion, this is still a term i haven’t been acquainted with…although, it fits exactly with how i’ve meant to practice this program, or live this way of life…as far as a bag of tricks, or whatever it was my note eluded to, i still haven’t the foggiest notion…i don’t see how conformity would be tricky…but, maybe it is in how a bag could be thrown at me, once put into a practice

inside our literature there is mention of this “great reality within”…something i’ve continued to search for on the daily…and occasionally there is found glimpse of the truth…or an instance of prophetic vision, if you will…it is hard to explain fully…but, there was an event during this weekend out in the wild with a sober group of guys that may lend an example of what i’m trying to say here…it has always taken an outside view for me to piece certain variables together…whenever i’m questioning propositions, or wondering upon thoughts, its usually another eye and mind to place reverence…rather than discarding it for meaningless, mindless garbage…i am able to find agreement with a separate party,,.this helps me in accepting what i’ve seen and perceived as value, or fact

img_2360an event started during my first attendance at this Men’s retreat was hiking…there are so many different trails to wander while out at this foundation camp…the water boiling from the head of this river running through the park comes from a spring, which leaves its temperature around sixty degrees year-round…this gives some of the guys excitement in taking a swim…my first year at this deal was jam packed with step-work, so the majority of my time during the day was in reading, listening, writing and talking…a group of us got together and made a pact for traveling up through the woods to a 400 foot cliff face that overlooks the campsite and hill country…it was quite a trip…doing this at night, we made sure to bring flashlights and stick together, unless we ended up lost…following a guided trail, we had to cross the river, leaving us soaking wet from the thigh down…regardless, it was an amazing journey…taking nearly an hour to reach the top left us lots of time to speak with each other…and staring at the stars under the absence of city light left us nearly speechless

after seeing how many men wanted a little free time at the facilities and spend extra effort to explore, the organizers of this weekend in the hills decided to change the schedule some…this allowed a few breaks along the weekend for guys to venture into town and check their phones…go fishing in the river (catch and release!)…or check out the trailheads (as long to make sure not surprising other visitors in their campsite)…this year provided a chance to make this trip up to the bluff during the daytime, which quite stoked me…making the trip twice before at night, this provided an entire new experience…grabbing up a collection of guys willing, we made the hike right after lunch…and how much different that was…seeing the surroundings along the trail brought out much an altered experience…i was able to encompass the landscape as a whole…feeling the pressure of heights and drops, looking from left to right, and up and down when taking steps across the dirt and rocks…every now and then was a break through the trees, which made it visible to witness exactly how far up we had climbed that far…it was thrilling, fascinating, beautiful and challenging, all at the same time

img_2327at night i was only able to picture clearly what was in front of me…most of my attention was kept in what the group of us guys were talking to each other about…and during this day trip, my eyes took up a good part of attention…this obviously brought our speech in seperate directions, at times…and out of the darkness we could see the Milky Way…it wasn’t easy finding the brightest star in the sky…they all just seemed to be of increasing/decreasing size, instead…and while the sun was up, we could see for miles…looking down at the river the water was so clear to see the bottom…other camps were clearly viewed…it was just awesome finding the differences, and having the chance of absorbing it all…similarities aren’t always the goodness from finding in others…sometimes it is the changes that fail in keeping us apart…i can greet and find and accept it all, no matter what happens…as long as i strive in pointing out positives, rather than gripping hard onto the negative…this was something i left that weekend with, and pray to never lose complete sight of…as long as i continue to share what i’m going through currently with other walkers of sober life, it is hope that never leaves

Oct 07

Stillness…One-ness…Be-ness…

img_2329seven years ago, some men from my home group put together a weekend retreat…more like an intensive workshop for going through all 12 steps in a couple days…it started on a plot of land owned by a guy i’ve known since i’ve come in…unfortunately, he’s no longer with us…good news is, he did graduate from our program, and passed away clean and sober

last time i went on this thing i was in the middle of posting vlogs going over each individual step…you will be able to find these on the HMR website, if you go over the history…or, you can just find me on Youtube and subscribe there…not something i do often, but occasionally i like to greet readers in person, since i do not know the majority of you…this year was quite different for me…i brought the laptop along, but left it in the car…it meant so much, getting to spend that time in nature with a group of guys all after the same thing…a new way of life, rather than the way we had been living it…and that is the primary reason for me attending this deal…it’s not about getting away and forgetting everything i’m dealing with on the daily…rather than a vacation or get-a-way, this is a togetherness…we bond and discover what is truly blocking us…what i am missing…what i have overlooked…importance in continuing the path for which i do not want to pick up again…for elimination of using drugs and alcohol is just the start…a more vital affirmation is here before me, in my respectable abode, job and situationimg_2358

another big reason for me going on this retreat is getting to know new people…i do my best to associate with guys i haven’t met before..this year was awesome in that way, because i was able to give someone a ride…it’s about a 2-hour trip from my home to the campsite, so that gave us time getting to know one another…and, he is fairly new to Texas, so i made sure to take the back-road route…it’s much more scenic and less traffic that way…one highway follows along a river for several miles, crossing back and forth…all under trees in the shade…beautiful drive…we spoke to each other about numerous different things…what kind of music we listen to…what we do for a living…our family lives…what sobriety is about for us today…the meetings we go to…part of the stepwork focusing on currently…which set the atmosphere of the weekend for usimg_2333

the place itself is off the grid…even though electricity and water runs throughout the place, there is no internet or cell phone towers…no bars on the mobile…no wifi for web traffic…not exactly a primitive campsite…we actually stay in cabins with bunkbeds, restrooms and showers…there is a meeting hall with attached kitchen…all needed amenities are there…just bare essentials…we must bring bedding, food and other toiletries…i’m also a stickler for taking notes…however, this year i was so in tune with talking with other guys, i just couldn’t find time to jot things down…there were some speakers, which keyed in on ideals and principles sparking my attention…but, most of the needed time was spent in groups, which was awesome…at the end of the deal we all gathered around as a large group and had the discussion meeting, on what we found at the retreat helping solve our core issue for being there…an item that kept coming up, that has been close to my heart lately is fellowship…every morning we would get together before the sun rose to have a meditation meeting…the leader of this made it a point to have everyone sit close enough to one another so that their feet were touching…in this way, he expected the power of God to flow within and throughout us as a whole…this energy is effective not only in that circle we created, but during the entire weekend…because we all came for the same fundamental reason…and we worked side-by-side which creates conductiveness…the power from that eternal source is passed on from each of us, to the next still suffering addict/alcoholic…and i think it was best that we spent that time alone as a collective, away from the conflicts and confusion of the society we live in…it presented us a time and place for focusing on what is really troubling and keeping from cluing in on what the real problem is…us…as individualsimg_2357

something coming out to me in the past few weeks strongly is this vision of what’s going on…i have been bent on negativity, and seeing the wrong in others, or particular situation…my sponsor and i even went over these resentments as an inventory…the 5th step is pivotal in this process, for i need someone else with different seeing eyes to look at what continues to ail me…and ask questions directing attention to my part in it…in this manner, it becomes apparent that i can no longer look at how to correct others in mistakes made…when no longer “playing God”, this is out of my power and control…directing immersion to God’s will, i’m given the opportunity for looking at the issues with a totally different inspection…an absolute opposite perception…i realize that it is in how i’m seeing it all…i only have the resources to change myself…in this way, my attitude becomes more positive…what is it that i can do now to make myself feel better about this?…what is laid out before me, as far as tasks and duties?…how can i contribute, rather than doing my best to take away?…what do i have to offer with myself, other than expecting to be given from those i’m so angry at?…because that is what the 12-step way of life is about, anyway…destroying selfish, self-seeking motives, and turning attention toward those i can help

 

 

 

 

Sep 05

Cumulative Communication…

IMG_2178couldn’t help posting a photo of my home group’s half measures room with this blog…as you can see, there are no couches or chairs in here anymore…it’s not much of a socializing area…basically a hallway now…some people stand in here and talk between meetings, but it’s a brief “how you doing?” kind of a thing…or maybe just catching up after a meeting from what had been shared…mostly it’s a place to post organizational things going on locally…and even a board for more personal, individual things, like where I work…or i need a sober roommate…or i need help moving…i just saw the “Quiet Zone” sign and had to share it…goes right along with what’s been on my mind lately…i’m thinking this is to keep people down a notch while meetings are going on…it’s mostly in the coffee bar through that door on the right…i’ve heard people getting really loud in there about stuff while people are in the other rooms for a meeting…it can be pretty distracting

i’ve probably mentioned this before, in some other blogs…but, over the past few years i’ve been doing my best to listen in meetings…and that hasn’t been easy…i’ve never been one to physically hear the voice of God from the heavans…even in my morning meditation, devotionals and prayers…i’ve never heard His will directed to me in voice…occasionally i have read something that fits right along with what i’m going through…or a specific reminder of what to look forward to…or how i should really be treating people and working on life right now…and there have been other times where i’ve skipped directly over what i’ve been reading, and have to revisit it again, one more time…and that isn’t enough…so i ditch it all together…which is probably why i read from two books…prayers come the same way, sometimes…like the 3rd and 7th Step prayers…there have been times where those words just slip right off my tongue, without any meaning whatsoever…and there are other days where parts of the phrases come on strong…right where i need to be that day

IMG_2192my goal during that “moment of silence” at the beginning of meetings is to ask my Higher Power to remove my judgements of other people…how many times have i heard what someone has said, and took it south…like, “they are full of shit!”…or, “what does this have to do with sobriety?”…and even, “they aren’t alcoholic, what are they even doing here?!”…it’s mad…crazy…and today i truly want to hear what they are saying to the group…for, it’s been my experience that God speaks to me through other people…it’s one of the big reasons why meetings are so important to me…it’s not how i work the steps…it’s not totally how i stay sober…sobriety is a way of life for me, outside the rooms…however, it is in fellowship that i get to learn from others who have gone before me…or newbies struggling through what i have similarly

this is why i think my wife and sponsor have been encouraging me to share in meetings…trying to keep my mouth shut just isn’t enough…especially if i have a message to carry through the topic at hand…i’ve been doing my best to keep to merely blogging…but, even that isn’t enough…i’ve been better about being social on the internet lately…although, i’m still only blogging a couple times a month…there are times in meetings frequently, when i feel i have something to add, and i don’t…so, i’m doing my best to change that…and i’m only raising my hand to speak when there is meaningfully something to contribute…and it’s hard, at times…there are still things certain people say that i disagree with…so, i want to speak up and shoot them down…lol…and that’s not good…it’s cross-talk…and it’s still important to ask God to direct my thinking and speak through me with His words…i just want to be there for the next suffering addict/alcoholic…if what i say can reach one person in the room, my role in Unity has been fulfilled…it happens to me most times when i attend the group…whether it’s in the meeting itself, or outside that hour in my day…which is why it’s pertinent that i show up 15-30 minutes before and after…for half the time people who speak to me then have the ability to reachIMG_2200

leaving with this…i was talking to my kid the other day about skateboarding…told him that i knew he was a skateboarder, because he was doing what he could to learn things on his own…i have tried to mention tricks to him before, but he just wouldn’t listen…that’s when i knew he was true about this sport…because i have been the same…i do like to watch others skate at the parks we go to…and when i’m at home i enjoy watching videos of pro skaters…and it’s in the capture of how they pull tricks and land them that inspire me to do the same…and there are bad days and good days…i fall…and hurt…and slam…and bail…but, i always pick it back up again…so, i told my kid to never give it up…as long as we have a goal and learn something new each day, skateboarding will be part of our lives forever…which is much the same with sobriety…each day is new…so i take what i can and watch others to learn new things and acclimate them into my life…hard times…pink clouds…life can be different with each step…it is in how i communicate progress and failure with others…and i don’t expect them to do it for me…it is my responsibility to watch, listen and share what i’ve learned to people in the fellowship who have like-minds and actions…i musn’t take one over the other…i cant tell people of what i am not practicing anymore…and i am unable to only hear things without doing the deal…faith without works is dead, is it not?

handshaking

 

 

Aug 27

Smallest Goodness Brings End to Biggest Issues…

click the links below for copies of books and listen to Top Hat Kenney online radio with HMR…661667b4d6e768d24fad9d7dc5b59eecIMG_2144get_file

 

Aug 09

Seeing from Hearing…Feeling from Doing…Being from Healing…

hole in groundnot much for reading stories in the back of our books…mostly concerned covering instructions on the steps and recovery from my disease…i’m much rather into going to speaker meetings for listening to ‘what it was like…what happened…and what it’s like now”…although, part of a back book story was read to me recently that meant a lot…just a few sentences, but really touched a part of my sobriety that hasn’t before in our literature…talking about how things start making more sense to us as we keep clean…living this new way of life through use of our 12 step program…reminds me of the spiritual awakening idea…creating that dark hole in my life from using and drinking affected all areas…my family…my friends…my job…my education…my place in society…and it also scarred a section even closer…a part kept in secret from others…something only i ever thought about and shared with…coming into sobriety with help through the steps created an experience of this spiritual variety…and it wasn’t easy, because this was something never willing to expose…but getting and keeping clean meant taking a closer look at this portion in living…for it took a deep puncture when getting loaded all the timegod shelter question

my attitude sucks…i’ve been falling apart from, rather than being a part of…fundamental facets of my life has shown great importance in me the past few years…so, mostly family, home life and work have been in the forefront…however, being an addict/alcoholic in recovery means involving oneself with others of the same genre…we will never be able to walk this fight alone…no matter how much stepwork, reading and prayer i do on my own…i must turn to others with similar problems for help and contribution…it’s a big part of my life that has been missing…eating away at my livelihood, i’ve recently found

Concept

the other night, i went to the meeting before the meeting…afterward, i stayed for the meeting after…yet, i barely spoke with anyone…not being at the group regularly for awhile now, it put me in a place of outsiderness…and fellowship is so vital to getting and staying sober…getting to know people…forming friendships with bonds of relation…knowing who to go to when certain problems arise…sponsorship is necessary too, but the ties that bind us must follow in every group we walk into…because we are like one another and have walked in each other’s shoes…i’ve never been able collecting much from doctor’s who have been educated in the field of addiction…even from those that love me and know me most, couldn’t help much, because they hadn’t been where i’ve been…this is why 12 step work has been the strongest advocate for my lifelong issue with dope and booze…it is a hands-on approach from those it has worked on before

someone called me the other day when i was laying down for bed…a guy i used to sponsor who has moved out of state…he’s been through a lot over the years…first person i’ve ever gone out on a 12 step call for…he’s never really liked being in the program, but this is where i met him…we talked and got to know each other first…we like the same things…skateboarding…heavy metal music…video games…we got a long right away, and he would constantly talk his bouts with alcoholism…and i became his go-to guy when it involved sobriety, particularly when times where rough

spiritual awakening contact

this is what caught my eye in the beginning…the fellowship was the “last house on the block” for me…when i couldn’t find anywhere else to turn to…after burning every bridge i tried to cross…my only last resort was to turn towards that with real answers…i had to remove the “cotton from my ears and put it in my mouth”…this is what getting the message is all about…listening…paying attention…and following through with suggestion…i end up absorbing what is useful through this kind of treatment…and i acclimate them to my current affairs…i cannot live a life and fit those roles so important to me without filling sober shoes first…without sobriety i would not have a family…without recovery i haven’t a chance with furthering my career…unless i continue work on keeping clean, my perception and mindset will persist in negativity…it is in this type of awakening that growth is possible…opening my eyes new things will come to what i’ve mostly been looking at all along…just in a new light

godly touches

 

Aug 02

Taken From What’s Been Carried Away…

give me thatpriorities have been in the forefront of my mind…from time to time they may change…for better or worse…i’m always doing what i can to keep certain things primary…lately scheduling has become an big issue…work and family have come first…how can i best meet needs?…what is expected of me?…at home and on the job?…how can i fit in the time needed to meet these expectations?…how am i to arrange activities included in my role as a father, husband, employee?…i do what i can…make plans each day…trying my best for accomplishment in areas requiring my attention…and most days it is successful, thank God

however, i’ve felt something missing in my life…a big part…and it’s been trouble fitting it in to my regiment…i’ve met lots of people in sobriety…some have stuck around a long time…others come and go…and i’m not the greatest at making contact…in and out of the rooms, only certain people are recognizable on a constant basis…and it’s good seeing new faces…but, also sad when others have been forgotten about, and wondered on…fellowship is important…a fundamental part at keeping with a like-minded people who are doing what is necessary to stay sober…it’s a lot like family…we stick together, especially when times are rough…it is a specific modality of 12 step recovery

one individual i’ve met through Steel on Steel has kept up with me, mostly through text messaging…he’s asked me to hit him up when planning on making meetings…which i did last Friday, asking him where to go…he invited me to a group i haven’t been to in awhile…a lot of people i know go there…but, it’s just not my favorite place…not hearing much from the literature…mostly people with double-digit sobriety…but, i went to meet up with some of these folks i hadn’t seen in a while…and my sponsor caught up with me at the front door…after asking me how things were, i went on…complaining about my work situation…telling him i felt i deserved better…that my intentions of switching careers through college education have not been met…then immediately, i shook my hand out in the air…looking at the others around me, i realized my attitude had gone sour…i told him this just wasn’t the place for me to be speaking so negatively…he laughed and nodded his head up and down

giving back

positive outcomes are the fruits of a spiritual nature…it shouldn’t matter what is going on currently…as long as i know what has to be done and put my best foot forward, i know all will be taken care of…i’m really in a good place…my needs, and the ones i love, are being met…it is in how i look at things…it is so easy when expecting so much, then seeing so little…i have to be repeatedly reminded about it…which is why it’s fundamentally important to remain honest with others i trust…for i cannot rely upon my own reasoning to get me by in the rough spots…i just haven’t the power to walk through, especially when it’s mud that i’ve created

you know, i never want to drink again…i don’t want to get high…and it’s hard to explain this…but, i’m just bent on handing it overattending Beginners meetings…it’s where i hear the message when i first came to the rooms…i’m reminded of what it was like when i had nowhere else to turn to…tools used for getting and staying sober are brought up in the discussion…i get to listen from those who are having a tough time at getting this thing we call recovery…and it’s my chance to show others how it works for me…i never want to lose those feelings…and i want to be able to listen to those kind of shares…it’s what i use that Moment of Silence for at the start in the group…i ask my Higher Power to remove my judgements of other people…to help me hear His message through those telling their stories…for that is the only way i’ve ever heard His voice…from the people carrying HIs message with descriptions of their path through the steps

once handed those keys to future sobriety, it is in my best interest to give them away…it’s the only option i have to keep what has been given…sobriety begins with acceptance and understanding…and it continues with perseverance…practice…and residual guidance…none of us have complete answers to all problems…however, we know directions in which to lead people…therefore, once i’ve reached that better place, it is pivotal for me find ways to be of service…i don’t like sharing in meetings much…for the past few years i’ve been mostly about listening…i want to hear what others have to say about their plight…at times i am compelled to contribute…but, it’s best for me to reach out on a personal basis…if i find others with troubles similar to mine…this is usually a good sign for me to reach my hand out to try and help…it’s what had been done for me…and it’s why 12 step fellowships have meant so much…we are not different from other people…but, we are much the same as one another…which is what keeps us coming back…and i have to do my part to expect a prominent reward

 

Jul 29

Internested in it’s Bloggyness…

click the photo below to view a copy of mentioned blog book…

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