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Sep 05

Inwardly-Spiritually Conciliated…

even with a considerable amount of sobriety time, it has become difficult for me to be open about what is going on, lately…mostly i relate it to selfishness…that being the root of all my troubles, shouldn’t i be more concerned with what others are going through right now?…i mean, aren’t there people who are struggling far more than i am currently?…do not i already have the tools readily at disposal for fighting ill’s and disparities with life?…thinking about myself only is what i always battle with…and it keeps cropping up…so, when stuff gets very rough for me, it is unbearable to endure…going back to what was mentioned in the previous blog, what is it i ought to be writing about in here?…do i really have a place in telling you all of my story?…shall i keep personal trials and errors away?…who is taking a good look at this?…the aim of HMR has always been in reaching out to similar folk, and not those with power of criticizing or patronizing me…this blog is meant for the likeminded who need support and experience with what they are, or have been…who knows what is looking with a search on the internet, using it to disadvantage?

this is a number of reasons i’ve done my best in keeping the mouth shut…yet, doing what i can in staying away from the dark places has been timing for more ruin…i have finally reached an end point…i’m at that “jumping off” place…cannot keep quiet about it anymore…tired of maintaining that happy face…and when members of the fellowship are asking me how i am, i return with “alright…how are you?”…it has always been my focus in stashing what is wrong within myself to find out what is bothering them…looking for what i can do to assist other people having issues with sobriety and life…helping my fellows through service work…remaining available is a key tool for continuing that walk through sober time…i must give away what i have in order to keep it, right?…and what happens when i run out of more to hand away?…when i have depleted every resource inside myself?…empty of worth, guidance, hope, positivity and truth?…where to then?

exactly where i was Saturday morning…attending the Men’s meeting i normally go to…just didn’t want to be there…wondering why i came?…was it looking for more networking on the job search?…getting out of the house awhile?…a hundred other things i could have been doing…places i could have gone…and, no…i just suited up and showed up…because, it’s what i’ve been bred to do, using the 12-Step program of action…feeling as down and bad as i have been…a compulsory desire to cry out came…once the meeting started, i was bent on sharing about it…even if it had little (or nothing) to do with the topic at hand…i felt the need to disclose what was bringing me to this place…which eventually led to keeping my mouth closed, again…i’ve always been one to share experience, strength and hope with the newcomer…to side along with them…telling what it had been like for me before, what happened to walk me in and how it is like now that i’ve lived this new life of freedom from the disease of alcoholism/drug addiction…considering this, it meant i just wasn’t there…which made me want to confide in the group even more…because the first half of this meeting is devoted to the newcomer, and the last half for those who have the solutions and answers, i assumed it was right for me to throw my hand up and speak…then, looking across the room, i saw my sponsor…since i hadn’t talked to him yet about my woes, i put the plug in my mouth and steadily tried to listen…not easy to do…in fact, i didn’t much care what the last member had to share…and i walked out early to stand outside, waiting for it all to be over…this too, was a last straw for me…as i have always been good about separating that “moment of silence” at the beginning of a meeting to ask God for removal of my judgments against others, so that i can better hear His message

once my sponsor came out when the meeting was over, i let him know about this horrible place i was in…we got together later in the day, and i described in detail all the poor thoughts i was having…all the negative, awful ideas plaguing my mind…not being able to break away from it…no matter what i did…what stopped working…new directions taken…older routes not producing anymore…losing complete faith and belief in a Higher Power…not knowing what to do or where to go…reaching that ropes end…another month of this, and i wasn’t sure where i was headed…something had to change soon…although i had stuck with what was keeping me sober this long…i couldn’t not see any brightness ahead…everything i was picturing was in the dark…my sponsor really listened to me (as he always does), nodding his head…bringing assistance…first was evening review…something i had been keeping from…it is okay for me to talk to God about everything…no matter what it is…and i have been solely about placing prayer mostly on others struggling with course dealings…even when i don’t have solid answers in what they need to do…keeping the requests generic…expecting my Higher Power to give providence in taking them where they need to go…so, not only is starting the day off with direction important…but, closing it up by looking at what has been accomplished…where i have made mistakes…asking God for help in correction…this is vital, as well

secondly, my sponsor suggested ¬†what i had never heard about before…the Two-Way Prayer…he said to find some time alone…in the silence with pen and paper…thinking of one question to ask from my Higher Power, writing it down…after a few moments, continue with scribbling whatever comes to hand…this acts as like an inner-screening, if you will…for i’ve never heard the voice of God coming from the Heavens…it has always been through other humans, like yourself…this is why going to meetings is most important to me…i hear his ethereal speech from your words…copying down whatever comes to me in such a short period of engagement should be enough in reviving a prayer back to me from my Higher Power…and as strange as it sounded, i figured it was at least worth a shot…my sponsor has always been choice in finding ways of moving me through alternate avenues…pointing out what is missing…after our chat, we went and committed to some service work…then i came home, telling my wife more about what had been distressing me…it was releasing, getting out what i had been holding inside me for many days…she then offered to do something special…bring me out of the awful spirits…we went and picked up items to get ready for barbecue at the house…i love cooking on my grill…she also brought up giving the church down the street a chance, since we hadn’t found a new home of worship in a few years

Sunday morning was right where i needed to be…the sermon at this congregation targeted on the Book of Job…not what i have ever read about before…only completing the New Testament, not the entire text, yet…Job was an upright citizen…outstanding man…free of sin…and all of the sudden, he ended up losing everything…possessions…children…health…this led him to alarm friends and family…even asking God why it had all happened…not much of an encouraging response from wife and companions…they decided to point at parts that he could have been responsible for, instead…where was he unfavorable?…God wouldn’t do bad things to good people, would He?…although Job never received direct response from the Lord, he eventually saw what caused ill was in outward appearance only…much more true and relevant examples are what live within us…to never give up…only carry on through closer examination of self…this is what moves us through individual strife with liberation…since i have not been through nearly what Job had…nor have i ever been the pinnacle of good manhood as he…i had been losing trust and countenance of greater assistance than human power

after the service, i decided to go on a bicycle ride…what i had been meaning to do a lot more of…getting exercise and losing pounds…never been one to get into jogging…or lifting weights…i like to have fun…and riding my bike is one of those things enjoyed…finding paths through neighborhoods…keeping safe…sticking to roads with bike lanes and are under a 40 mph speed limit…trails are my favorite…i have a beach cruiser…so mountain bike tracks are not for me…i like the gravelly, sidewalk ones that journey through the woods…which took me to the closest one by my home that i like a lot…good ride…still, i couldn’t keep crap from entering my head on the way there…this caused me to ask my Higher Power in taking that from me…to direct my attention on what i was doing…riding my bicycle and keeping an eye on the traffic…what came up in my mind the most was what to ask God for on the paper, when doing the Two-Way Prayer…in arguing with myself about this, i stopped…diverting the questioning to where was the ideal spot for sitting down to do it…in the shade…at a picnic table…which happened perfectly for me…and i believe the best result made from all this was realizing that meditation is what i lacked in freeing my psyche from the littered cognition…as i sat there on that bench, wondering what i should be writing about…alternatively shifted objective to what i heard around me…water running in the creek…birds chirping in the trees…wheels grinding through the gravel from other riders on the trail…this suited me well enough to finish what was started…i couldn’t have asked for more

it isn’t to say that it all has gotten better for me…outside, i’m sure it has pretty much continued the same…it is the inner me that has a greater opportunity for improvement…a lot like how drugs and alcohol were used, to tell the truth…whenever plans threw bad hands at me…not dealing well with what was coming forward…i would get loaded…an attempt at calming the disruptions in my brain and heart…this lead to more and more using…because nothing exterior had modified…it had only gotten worse, in fact…today i do what i find in transforming these obstacles…but, when complications keep arising, what do i do?…cannot just sit in silence, waiting for the change…i must reach out to any hand that is there…seeking quiet in a most natural way, not dangerous…do i know what is to come next?…no…i don’t…if i knew what God’s plan was for me, than i could actively play Him myself…wouldn’t need a 12-Step program in keeping me sober and sane…but, i do not have that power, being a human…the meaningful action to take is keep heading up the river…looking for the source of that life-wielding water…through the woods…mud…stones…and other difficult terrain…there is where it is found…everywhere else…inside and out…He is my Rock…my Redeemer…Immovable…only one strays from existence when the mind isn’t where the soul is…this dimension lives on forever…despite the material being…and i haven’t too far in looking to find it…it is wherever i go…always with me