Sep 17

Conditional Queries…

occasionally, dreams of drinking and drugging will come up…it has been some time since i have had any, until last week…i met a neighbor across the street from me a couple years ago, through mutual friends…he is not addicted to anything (that i know of)…we became acquainted through a group that goes out skateboarding…and even though we have never drank or used together before, he ended up in the dream…we went downtown to some bar…after a few drinks, i had gotten lit up enough to lose track of him…being a big place, i had to walk around a bit, looking…so many people were there…coming in and out, walking around…it was getting difficult to find his familiar face, in all the darkness and blue lights…eventually we found each other…then it became a task for locating where i had parked the car…another big undertaking…i remember swallowing many glasses of booze…just not sure what it was…probably beer…that didn’t seem to matter much…it was the sensation of getting drunk that stood out most, since it had been a long while from having a dream quite like this…marching around for blocks…searching through the lots…still could not find where i had left our ride…fearing it had been towed…besides…did it matter?…was i not in the right position to be driving anyway?…much like my old moments…worry…confusion…loss

then the dream took another direction…not sure if i had woken up, or not…that is usually how a new one starts, right?…it changed as if i were watching some documentary…a show about crimes that were committed…with a narrator telling the story…only, i was playing the criminal in first-person…taking off as a flying dream…running and leaping from a ledge…swooping down, just above the country-side…then, slowly levitating beneath the awnings of some business complex…a police helicopter followed in pursuit…as soon as it began firing bullet rounds at me, i picked up these boxes, or bales of hay…something to catch this barrage of firepower threatening me…as soon as one blew up in my hands, i would grab another…using the roof slanting down to cover myself…eventually it turned into a stand-off…nowhere else to go…i was stuck at an end corner of a building…the lost block was blown out of my hands…a voice hollered from the loud speaker of the cop chopper…i slowly dropped down to the ground

once waking up, i went over the last parts of this dream…that this fictional tragedy had been told through narration…about a crime that had taken place…i just couldn’t recall what was spoken about it…what came to my mind mostly, was the fact that i had been flying…what did that mean?…this got me looking through an internet search…most led to positive results…rising above problems in life..freedom from inherent problems…control over unsurpassable obstacles…this didn’t seem like much truth for me, currently…life has been very difficult for me…not having work…funds to pay bills and provide for my family coming to an end……faith and belief in a Higher Power diminishing, slowly…didn’t make much sense to me…finally, i found another supposed reason for the flying dream…making more clarity…it talked about a lack of motivation…issues with the past…goals too high for reaching…losing confidence in where you are going…these were listed under poor dreams with flying…still not sure it fill well…the flying part wasn’t scary at all…not exactly a nightmare…kind of exhilarating, in fact…i had fun cruising through the air, using my body only…kind of comical, really…for, i had not enjoyed being shot at by the authorities…just didn’t see anything frightening about the flying part…still, i questioned why i dreamed about it all…very strange

i have never asked whether i was an alcoholic/drug addict, or not…coming to the 12 Step program at the age of 18, i was given lot’s of descriptions fitting me perfectly…not once have i ever wanted to drink or get high conservatively…it was always about getting fucked up…that has been my goal since the start…sure, there have been instances when i did what i could to manage my use…but, this was only because something stood in the way of my enjoyment…like money issues, or people calling me out about it…this led to me finding places and times for doing it alone…this called for lying over what i was doing, where i had been…all textbook examples of drug addiction and alcoholism…being the age of 42 now, i cannot sit here and tell you i never touched another drop after getting sober initially…i have gone back out a few times…relapse is surely inevitable for who doesn’t stick to a program of action keeping people like us away from the next drink or drug…this has always been my fault…something in my toolbox hadn’t been used…never by an accident…and i haven’t ever gone back to thinking i would one day use and booze like a normal person…it had come on the basis of getting trashed any chance i could…most likely imagining getting away with it better than before…this led to more failure…after a short period, coming back to the rooms asking for help…avoiding the pending calamity

substance of large proportion has to happen in order for me to request assistance…i haven’t ever returned to the program after a few days of seeing it didn’t work for me like i wanted it to…no…it comes from a deep seeding wreck…like jail…divorce…loss of personal freedom…facing the end, again…coming to that “jumping off place”…nothing else to turn to except those who had gone before me in similar situations…walking out the other side, released of that selfish slavery…not knowing what direction to take on my own anymore, i would reach out my hand in agony for someone to walk with me to the better way…giving up the old life, in return for the new…not easy…always takes me facing a brick wall to see through the other side…and that sucks…wanting to figure it out, all on my own…not simple to accept advice from another…until that is all that is left to do

which brings me to where i’m at today…thoughts of getting drunk and stoned still come to me…i’m sure that is that way it will be forever…realizing that i am stricken with an incurable disease of being addicted to drugs and alcohol…it is more in how i react to that sick thinking and emotions that secure my future…questioning myself is a pure act of defiance…assumption that i have been wrong since the beginning…does not my past show proof of who i really am?…where have i been?…where do i go now?…my own sick head does not fix itself…i must have that outside resource…since dope and drink failed to provide that for me, i must search somewhere else…reliance upon other human origin is the only solution i have found…and when that outlet is fleeting from my life?…well…i must get back to searching for that understanding…silence and action is what i use presently in cleaning my head of the bad logic and ideas…reading words on the matter and listening to who carries the message is what delivers my yearning for God’s communication…which never happens to me overnight…it takes a daily practice to repeat…slowly, it all gets better…maybe not the outside world immediately…only within will my perception and awareness improve…keep putting that foot in front of the other…no matter what is going on…better than sitting in the mire, expecting exterior chemicals to change matters…it may alter the inside of me…but, only for a short term…the outer world stays the same, getting even worse the more i look to dope and alcohol for solution

this came up at a meeting i like going to…being cross-talk, it is different than any other i have been to before…a speaker shares for ten minutes on where there are at presently in sobriety…then, everyone introduces themselves by name, and the floor is left open for discussion…no raising hands to talk…no time limit…you can share as many times as you want…interrupting is even allowed…there is just no bashing…no drunk or drug logs…no telling the speaker what to do…just passing own personal experience, strength and hope about what has been said…more like group therapy…not a meeting centered on a particular topic brought from the literature we read everyday…this week, the guy telling us about his recent story talked of returning to the program after a “break”…he had been seeing where he had gone wrong before…wanting to amend what he was lacking in…that what he had been doing previously obviously didn’t work…he felt the need to add more, because of what was missing…he also brought up the fact of this wonder of whether he was really alcoholic or addicted…this had me going over the requirements for membership in our fellowship…it is only about a “desire to stop” using drugs and drink…nowhere does it say we have to be addicted

it meant that this guy had every right to be at our meeting, even if it was closed to members only…he fit that bill, listening to him talk…even a couple of the people who shared didn’t see what was wrong with others asking themselves if they were one of us, or not…it isn’t a disease another can classify people on…it must be decided for one’s self…after the group was over, i talked to the speaker…telling him that if he was really questioning his affliction, he should exert more investigation…a strong look at his history…a thorough reading of our books…a deep connection with us who had been through the wringer…if approached that way, it shouldn’t take long to see if you are one of us…and it may even require some more tests of casual drinking and recreational drug use before finding out the reality…as unfortunate is it sounds, it is the sore truth for those who don’t really know yet…i’ve never had a doubt in my mind about my affliction with dopey substances…if i had wanted to get messed up, i would do it…in how i was unable to do this responsibly is what placed me in the class of addict/alcoholic…i could not stop on my own…being mentally, physically and spiritually ill usually takes a phenomenal catastrophe for sight of the honest truth…and that is probably why we are named doomed and hopeless…an active nature of providence is greatly expected for who is incurable, if they are to recover