Oct 01

Endurant Acquiescence…

this week has been rough…encouraging…sudden…and promising…starting my new job Monday…not the greatest in pay…but, is bringing needed income…and, always potential for improvement…looking for growth and experience…more along the lines of what i’ve always wanted with employment…jobs should be more about interest…less than simply clocking in and collecting that paycheck…an event to be excited for showing up every day…rather than regretting waking up in the morning to get ready…still involved with training and orientation…being a call center, i have been hired for a Tier 1 Technical Support role…focus is on getting customers through issues with products…not on a time crunch…closer with finding answers to problems…asking a number of questions…gathering that information to zeroing in on where the problem lies…putting myself in the caller’s shoes…understanding clearly why they are needing the help…walking them through the solutions…securing confidence…only ending conversations after it is all set to completion

i appreciate that goal…it is how i would want to be handled in the same situation, if i were on the other end…which makes me look forward to following that moniker…fits with what i have known about the 12 Step way of life…not only telling someone what to do…giving them my own wisdom with comparable difficulties…guiding by hand…by foot…until resolution is solid…it’s how my sponsor works with me…listening closely…relating to what worked for him with same obstacles…reading a book and hearing someone talk about it just isn’t enough…we must co-pilot through the turmoil…showing how we truly care and identify…showing they are not alone…teamwork…willing to side with them until the broken is fixed…of course, this only happens when the person afflicted has the moxie to follow along…accepting the hardship…if stuck on doing else instead…not facing truth or reality…then we have to let them go…doing all that we can…we have shown who to turn to when nothing ever changes…no power to do everything for someone that is stubborn and keeping blind eyes…actions always speak louder than the words…thoughts and feelings haven’t purpose unless immediately shadowed by tasks of removing and changing them

a lot of the same can be said about my current spiritual life…for a while my faith and belief have been diminishing…due to expectations and demands not being met…so much i have worked for and grown towards seemed to have flown out the window…direction loomed in question…not sure which route to take anymore…was i doing the right things?…going the best way?…wasn’t confident about it all…calling out for help…praying for answers…still wasn’t getting the desired results…which ended up taking substantial tolls on me…beginning to doubt the existence of a God…my sponsor gave sound advice…knowing exactly what i was talking about, having gone through identical blocks…i must seek help from the source…and our 12 Step organizations haven’t a monopoly on spiritual matters…it’s just not a one-stop shop when it comes to fixes…in fact, that entire program originated from a number of different places and people…never did it come from within…it’s just been easier from those of us on the outside to look…when we had nowhere else to go…here are a group of people just like us who reach hands out in backing those that struggle…likely in pointing out to us how they found the sincere answers…collecting together, we share, in order of continuing on with a plan our Higher Power outlined for us…which brings us back, laying witness to others left behind who have come to that “Last House on the Block”…it is a safe space…we have communion with one another…it is Fellowship…we break bread and confide because of the similarities shining on, despite the differences in other places

church is where i’ve been going for access to that source of spiritual fulfillment…and for the past few weeks, every Sunday the sermon is about right where i am at today…amazing!…stories in the Good Book about people with hard times…they tap into that otherworldly foundation, which we like to call God…even when the big damage doesn’t alter…the reactions to it do…it is in finding that link to the Higher Power that leads to rightful aim…i am tired of the mad feelings and thoughts…nothing but negativity infiltrating my mind…it is no good…leads to nothingness and destruction of what has been built, so far…i do not want to go to those other spots anymore…instant gratification is not an answer…it is what drugs and alcohol did to me, for some time…it doesn’t work…i need what is permanent…that stays with me…through the good times and bad…Holy Spirit is what they name it in the Christian religion…it is what we have talked about in the Bible Study group i go to on Wednesday’s…reading and discussing Chapter 8 in the Book of Romans…it says that spirit will never leaves those who believe in the Father…only us stray from it…with bad thoughts, feelings and actions…worldly clamor’s…i must be obedient if i want other-humanly power to take control…impossible for me and other humans to take care of certain human frailties bringing us down…we need God’s help…and He is always there…it is in how i look for Him that He will be found…getting out of myself is the primary care…what can i do for others?…how do i pack into that “Stream of Life”?…is my recent focus blocking the “Sunlight of the Spirit?”…remove the material of this world…not the spiritual

bringing the other troubling part of this week…my grandmother passed away…having a horrible accident during a fall over the summer…she had hip replacement surgery…and more damage to blood circulation…this led to terrible infection and changes in medication…eventually put into a nursing home for maintaining proper care…having someone to watch over her condition…being at her house wasn’t enough…she needed to be looked after and monitored closely…the moving around of different medicines didn’t help much…it became more complicated…dementia set in…my mom was very concerned and had the family come out to visit her last weekend…Grandma was doing so good…mostly sleeping and calling out upset occasionally…i sat by her after some time and held hands to talk to her…then she opened her eyes to look up at me…this was so incredible to me…something i will never forget…how she spoke…what she said…some made very little sense…and then she got quieter…and leaned in to me closely…saying repeatedly that she wanted to “go home”…which made me very sad…initially i figured she meant her house in the country…because, i knew she didn’t like being at this nursing facility much…she felt more comfortable at her own dwelling…but, the more i considered it, i began wondering if she meant “home” to be in Heaven with the Lord

my grandmother had been in a lot of pain…i’m thinking she was wanting it all to stop…she had gone through so much…and it wasn’t getting any better for her…i doubt my mom knew this would happen so quickly…she probably just figured it wouldn’t get brighter, given how it all multiplied…so, i am so grateful she asked us all to come out and have lunch with Granny, while we could…there was just no telling when another chance would arrive…over these past several days since hearing about her death, i have been racking my brain…trying to remember what this woman has done for me in life…i never want to forget about it…she basically raised me…growing up with a second mother…teaching me about spirituality…how to think of others before myself…always doing her best in seeing that my needs were met…knowing what would help when times were bad…looking out and being there when i needed that shoulder to cry on…never judgmental…making sure to give restoration when i imagined the chips were down…an incredible lady…unconditionally loving…and i hope to carry on this legacy she left for me…it is all in the light of what death does for us…best to go on recalling what this woman did while still alive…not regretting her missing to do the same…she will continue living in my heart and mind…much how my Higher Power does…i have found myself wondering day by day if her Holy Spirit is lying inside me…is she watching down on me and the family?…seeing what we are doing?…how we are being?…the material is always soon lost and fleeting…the spiritual will always be here forever and not forgotten