Jan 19

Regretting the Past (a re-post)

Maybe it’s not a good topic for recovery but I’d like to see your stance on karma; do we suffer for our past mistakes? It may sound like nonsense but I look back at all the bad things i did to people for dope and then I look at how cruel fate has been on me since i have gotten clean and i can’t help but think of that saying ‘what comes around goes around’                 Anonymous blog reader

here is a quote from the Big Book of AA that came directly to my mind:

“Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.  Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later place us in a position to be hurt.”  p. 62

this passage comes directly after the literature names our true problem:  selfishness and self-centeredness…alcohol is but one symptom of my disease…i turned to alcohol and drugs because it was in my selfish nature to feel good…once developing the habit, and found i could not break it…once my human means failed me, and my life became unmanageable…these substances failed to provide me with the satisfaction and euphoric feelings they did in the beginning…but, by then it was too late…i developed a dependence and used them primarily for relief from the physical
craving and mental obsession the disease had inflicted upon me

the spiritual malady had also stricken me by this point…continuing to fuel my unquenchable thirst and undying compulsion, i exhausted every resource to obtain more alcohol and drugs…no matter what the cost…i simply had to feel better, and at times that meant stealing, lying, and manipulating…unfortunately, those easiest to take advantage of were those closest to me and who cared about me very much…through this type of behavior pattern i became untrustworthy, unbelievable, and unreliable…these are traits i brought with me into sobriety…character defects that must be removed

thus comes the rest of the chapter in which above said passage rests…directly after that quote comes the 3rd step prayer…i offer myself to God (as i understand him) and ask him to remove my difficulties so that his will may become more clear to me…then, through taking the 4th step, i discover what said gross traits are, specifically…then 5…then 6…then 7…then 8…then i make amends for harms done

amends for me was trying my utmost to change the past…trying to make things right i had done wrong before getting sober…that is what i think of when i read the word ‘karma’ today…less of a damning type of process…more of like a healing and reparation process