Apr 20

the new order of things

“I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to recieve. But that would be in great measure.

“when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility…Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centerdness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.” p. 13-14 AA BB
i have always had a hard time making friends…i just wasn’t that popular in school…i was picked on, made fun of, and outcast from the general society there…the few freinds i did make, i would like to think of as the genuine article…it’s all i really needed…i was liked for who i was…but, it was never enough…i began getting loud to attract attention…i wore the loudest clothes, listened to the loudest music…then i discovered drugs and alcohol, and with that comes many, many fair-weather friends

when i first came to the program, i was the youngest person at my group…that didn’t really matter…it was the message that gripped me…the stories each member told…it all said to me that these people understood what others in my life could never understand…that i was sick…i had a disease, a mental illness…that i was spiritually sick and needed some sort of moral psychology outside the synthetic knowledge of doctors and psychiatrists…it was going to take a miracle in order for me to recover, which meant a spiritual type of treatment

after working through the steps, i was introduced to young people’s AA…it seemed the best direction for me to go in, for i was interested in meeting kids my age in the program…we held our own meetings…we sponsored each other…we even collaborated with some older members and kids from another town to throw a state young people’s conference…it was an exhilerating and exciting time in my sober life

however, the sustenance was not there…mostly due to inactivity on my part…i had many acquaintances, but no real friends…those that i did hang out with on a daily basis, we were only concerned with wordly things…i thought the Fellowship was going to dances, camping out, bowling, and live music events…i began attending meetings to purely see certain people (particularly women)…i noticed cliques breaking out, and again i felt that old sensation of being outcast…i no longer recieved what i craved from the group…so i turned to booze and dope

this is by no means a comprehensive picture of young recovery…i’m sure there are lot’s of good program in the young minds of our program…this is just one person’s experience…and these are mistakes i never want to make again…i realized last night that i must keep that depth and weight the message holds for us that suffer from alcoholism and addiction…life is about more than worldly clamors and material wealth…there is a treasure of spiritual nourishment for us in the heart of the real Fellowship…no longer am i resigned to a life where my own concerns and inadequacies dictate my actions and attitudes…the direction my life must take today is one of selflessness and spiritual centerdness…i maintain that by constant communication with God and others who walk with Him…we never have to be alone, whether we are attending meetings or sitting at home wondering if life is ever going to get better…how many times have i visited the group and seen the same old people there, only to leave without saying a substantive statement to a solitary soul?

i am in the practice of reaching out and making connections with members of the program today…the selfishness and self-centerdness that ultimately leads to my demise is only removed by God…a Higher Power that speaks and interacts with me through other people in this world…turning things over and letting them go is the only way to achieve true freedom…i should not beat myself up for falling short of these ideals…every day sober is a successful day indeed…but falling back into my old ways of thinking and acting is taking two steps back…having that core group of companions or fellow travelers is a way to stay afloat in that life-boat…i know many people in the program…some i still stay in contact with from my days in the young people’s crowd…the question i find myself asking last night was, “do these relationships hold the depth and weight my soul earnestly craves?”…i reapply my resolve to establish those friendships to the real thing again…otherwise i am just walking about aimlessly, trying to do this thing on my own