Sep 09

fearless admission

a friend of ours suggested this as a blog topic…and to tell you the truth, i had to look it up in the dictionary to get a clear, concise definition…i really did not know how to put it into my own words…all i can think of is the root word and it’s relation to humiliation…a word of which i know quite a bit about…i have repeatedly humiliated myself throughout my life…and the toughest part of humiliation for me has always been admitting what had been done…i have tried on many occasions to block said absurd behaviors and actions out of my mind…have tried to deny them up and down…it is uncomfortable when i become embarrassed or ashamed of something i have done…i don’t like myself…i feel vulnerable and awkward…naked

this is not humility…and i knew that…when i think of humility, i think of being ‘right-sized’…and that’s what the process of the twelve-steps and repeatedly practicing the principles in the program do for me…it is a learning and un-learning process…it is a repeated tearing down of the ego…a constant investigation to discover the truth about myself…a channel and pathway that ultimately leads me into a relationship with a power greater than myself…and getting rid of self is entirely impossible without God’s aid

in my own words, i suppose humility is coming to the conclusion that i haven’t all the answers…that i am faulty and human, just like the rest of the world…simply because i cannot handle my liquor, does not really make me that much different from my fellows…it’s just my natural desire to get loaded when confronted with life issues…i have a way out today…i can depend upon my creator…and i trust that He will disclose more to me as long as i continue to seek His guidance…thus is the relationship with my sponsor and God

“A.A. experience has taught we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them.  If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences we’d rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent an ever.  We have to talk to somebody about them.”  p. 55  12 & 12