i think that “i don’t know” is an acceptable answer…my mother used to ask me things like, “what the hell is your problem?”…or, “what is a matter with you”…i would tell her that i didn’t rightly know, and she would say, “yes you do”…or she would tell me that i just didn’t care…this really hurt me, but i think it had more to do with how i felt about myself…i did love her, but getting loaded was my number one priority…it was more important to me than anything else…and it came first in my life
“If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink?…If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc a drinking bout creates.” – Alcoholics Anonymous p. 22-23
all i knew was that booze and dope made me feel better…getting loaded made me feel good, and i didn’t know of any other way to treat my disease…on the outside people would say that i looked miserable, and i’m sure i did…extremely drunk or high people do not look healthy, by any means…they could point and say, “look at that miserable drunk and fucked up loser”
it doesn’t really matter how much i drank, or how often…however, what i do have in common with every real alcoholic and addict is that ‘utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish’...there were times when i drank way more than i had intended to…sometimes i would attempt to predict how much i needed to drink in order to get me where i wanted to be…but, more often than not i would finish that, and then go back to the store for more…it is a progressive disease…we get worse and never better
all the things i did to feel better about myself and get comfortable were extremely damaging to my mind, body and soul…and the steps on the wall did not look so attractive to me…why would i want to reveal my true feelings to somebody?…why would i want to repair the past and be accountable for the bad things i had done?…no, i wasn’t interested in any of that…i just wanted to forget and move on
paradoxically, that was the stuff that was going to heal me…it was truly spirituality i was seeking all along…i was looking for these experiences everytime i got loaded…only, those periods of serenity while i was high were short lived…i needed a permanent solution to my living problem…and the 12 step program is designed to treat that spiritual sickness…i suffered mostly from an illness of the soul…it was only when i was desperate enough to accept these drastic proposals that i honestly saw the terrible destructiveness of my own behavior…when working the program became the answer to save my life, i finally began to recover.