Jan 30

Everything Anonymous

“Though our decision (the Third Step) was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”   AA BB .64

had a discussion in the chat box with a friend of ours a few days ago…she voiced a problem deciding whether or not she should switch Fellowship from AA to NA…being a drug addict (and not much of a drinker) she asked what i thought…i encouraged her to follow her own concious and reminded her that symantics aside, it’s the stepwork that is vitally important to our recovery, not the meeting itself…i find the Fellowship i am most comfortable with personally, is the one for me…in either Fellowship, we practice the same principles…alcohol and/or drugs are only mentioned once in the Steps themselves…and only in the First Step, when we admit our lack of power over them

i am poly-addicted myself, and would qualify for either Fellowship…i have attended both meetings before, but are sure to identify/qualify myself as an addict in NA meetings, or an alcoholic in AA meetings…i’m careful not to confuse the two…for if i share about my addiction to say Exctacy in Alcoholics Anonymous, i stand a good chance of not relating to a newcomer drunk who just walked in the door…same goes for Narcotics Anonymous…i do not go on and on about my drinking when i share there…to tell the truth, i try my best not to drunk or drug log at all in meetings…everyone there already knows how to loaded…why should i be reminding them?

switching gears for a second, i got really angry at work yesterday…things just didn’t go as planned, and i ended up having to stay overnight out of town, unexpectedly…it pissed me off for a number of reasons, and i was just hot by the time i left the job site…driving down the road in the direction of the hotel, i called a buddy of mine i had met in San Antonio a couple of months ago…”Man, i am in a pissy mood…was thinking of hitting a meeting…you going to one today?”…actually, he was at the group already and told me to come on over, that there was a meeting starting within the hour

by the time i got there, i had settled down considerably…during the meeting, i reflected some…i realized that back in the day, i would have stopped at the nearest convenient store and bought a beer…popping that top, i would have drained half that can with an exasperating “aaaaaahhh” in relief…i also realized that normal people CAN do that…i have lost that luxury today…i can’t drink or drug normally…i have lost the ability…normal people, when they get upset and say they ‘need’ that beer or joint, it stops there…not with someone like me

that’s just how i coped with things, by using…didn’t really matter what it was either…it’s just how i dealt with life…when things became bothersome, or i felt helpless, frustrated, irritated, angry, sad, fearful…any range of emotions…especially when to celebrate or some horrible tragedy occured…that was always the answer for me…sometimes out of sheer boredom i would get high, just because…after using like that for awhile, i depended upon the chemicals to make me feel better…then the addiction took over, and i got loaded to overcome the cravings…the uncomfortableness…the sick feelings in my stomach, head, and nerves…by then, it was too late…i couldn’t stop

that’s what sobriety is about for me today…going through life and actually experiencing it…i heard it said best in the meeting i went to last night…apparently an old-timer of the group had just passed…quite a few people shared about being there for him in his last days…this man had been battling cancer, and they were saying that although they knew he was in a great deal of pain, he didn’t complain once…he just walked through it and took it…he died sober, in a room full of sober friends and family who loved him…he didn’t do it alone…and that’s what it’s kind of like for me…i can get angry, lonely, tired, confused, sad, whatever…and i have to walk through it and take it…but, i don’t have to do it alone…and i don’t have to get high…i don’t want to anymore…and i have God, friends in the program, and family to support me and walk through it