Apr 23

exception to the rule

“Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class.  By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.”  AA BB  p.31

this passage has been on my mind for the past several weeks…and i think i’m beginning to understand why…i have been specifically at this place before in sobriety, many times…this is not my first attempt at getting and staying clean…everytime i have returned to the drink or drug, it has always began with the casual thought of, “well, maybe i’m not alcoholic after all…why not try some controlled drinking”…the experiment goes so well, that i try it again…and again…and again…and the next thing you know, i’m drinking every day, all day, and every chance i can get…like i’ve said before in the rooms, if i could drink normally, i would drink all the damn time…or, if there were a pill i could take that cured alcoholism, i would smoke it…or crush it up and snort it…that’s just the kind of dope fiend, drunkard that i am…i am the real thing…and there is no way of turning an alcoholic into a normal drinker

sadly, however, self-knowledge is not enough to keep me away from the drink and drug…drugs and alcohol are not my only problems…i have many other pressing issues…in fact, alcohol and drugs cease to be a problem for me today, simply because i do not use them anymore…although, if i do not keep up with my spiritual program of action, drugs and alcohol will once again become my only solution…and i don’t ever want to revisit that place again…i never want that to be my only option…because, i only have two:  drink and drug, or accept spiritual help…and that is not always an easy alternative to face

and that is where i am at today, folks…i am at that crossroads…if i am to be brutally honest with you (and i believe you deserve that), i must say that in this period of time, i am the furthest away from God as i have been since i first walked back into the rooms on December 3rd, 2007…i feel void…lost…and empty…in fact, there are only two areas of my life that i am feeling really good about right now…every thing else is mediocre…i feel fake…phoney…i have many obligations, but cannot seem to live up to them, right now…i am hanging on by a thread…i am at the end of my rope…i am at the jujmping-off place…something has to go…i don’t have room for anything else…i must make more room for God in order to be filled back up

at five years sober, this is the longest i have ever stayed sober…i thought i would have had my shit together by now…but, i’m falling apart…i regret going to my home group to chair meetings, because i know i have nothing to offer the newcomer…i regurgitate old stories…old experiences…because i have no new ones…there is no passion in my speech…in my life…no hope…no strength…in our literature it talks about staying spiritually fit to survive the certain low-spots ahead…well, i’m very spiritually sick and at a pretty low spot in my life currently…i have everything i could possibly want…everything seems to be going great, on the outside…but, on the inside, i am weak…i need restructuring, badly…so, it’s time to keep it simple…i’ve complicated my life…and that is one of the most wonderful things about our way of life and spiritual program…i can start over anytime i need to, without getting loaded

so rather too little, than too late…this will be the last time you hear from me for a while…Half Measures Room will be going on an indefinite hiatus…no more radio show…no more blog…at least for the time being…this is not to say i will never pick it back up again…i will keep the facebook profile live…the website will still be here…the phone app…the blogtalkradio.com site…all of it will still be here…just inactive until i can again muster the energy and vibrance that something like this deserves…i cannot transmit something that i haven’t got…and right now, i need to work on number one…rather that deliver a product that is less than desirable, i would like to gracefully bow out until i can present something of greater quality…when i do return it will be with a fresh perspective…new experience…and positive, solution-based messages that speak to the hearts and minds of those who relate…i love doing HMR, but the time has come for me to move on and move forward

thank you all for listening and supporting me over the past several years…this has been one of the brightest spots of my sober life…i will occasionally check in on facebook, so feel free to message me there…or, you can always reach me at oliver@halfmeasuresroom.com via email…i will never be too far from this page, facebook, or even blogtalkradio.com…there are still some very good sober radio shows out there to listen and take part in…CoolAAStuff…RumRadio…i will post up some links here for those who want to check it out…God bless you and keep you on your own spiritual journey through sobriety…again, i appreciate you being my friend and understanding my current position

Oliver V.

Rum Radio