Feb 17

Loneliness and Despair Found in that Bitter Morass of Self-Pity

“How dark it is before the dawn!  In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch.  I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence.  I was to know happiness, peace, and usefullness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes.” – p.8  AA BB


this is how i used to start my blogs off…with excerpts from our recovery literature…it describes the problems we have as alcoholics and addicts…and it also explains solutions and directions on recovery, and a new way of life…for the longest time i thought that selfishness was outlined in the chapter How It Works…where it talks about the Third Step and leads into instructions on how to go about making a personal inventory…but, i have been reading into the beginning of the book alot lately…selfishness is mentioned in the first few chapter of the book, as well…in the Doctors Opinion…Bills Story…There is a Solution…so much is this issue talked about…no wonder it is labeled as the ‘root of our troubles’…now that i have quit drinking and using again…now that the obsession and desire has been lifted from me…i’m seeing so many other problems that plague my being…quitting getting loaded is just the beginning of this new life of mine…a more important demonstration lies before me in my respective home, occupation and affairs.


“Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough…I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with me as He would.  I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction.  I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost.  I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing  to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch.  I had not had a drink since.”  – p.12-13 AA BB


the first hundred members of Alcoholics Anonymous were low-bottom drunks…something else i have noticed this time in sobriety is that alot of us come into the program broken…facing a laundry list of baggage, we see no way of combatting these problems alone…faced with such a tumultuous life we havent any trouble admitting the principle of Step One into our life 100%…i have to take this First Step every day…i understand that i have lost the power to control my drinking and drug use…my friends could not get me sober…my wife couldn’t…my folks…probation officer…people in the program…at church…it easily became evident to me that quitting getting high was humanly impossible for an alcoholic and drug addict like me


moving on to the 2nd Step was harder…being an agnostic, it was alot to ask of me…but, i had a sponsor that walked me through this, and gave me an opportunity to develop my own conception of a Higher Power, no matter how basic and simple it might be…for me this meant finding something that i could see, touch and feel…so, i looked into nature…i admired the birds with colorful feathers and innate song…plants that boor fruit and nuts i could eat, adorned with designs and bright colors…flowers that bloomed, centered with pollen that insects such as bees consumed…it all seemed like such an intricate design…nothing that a Big Bang theory could have produced on accident…large bodies in the universe colliding with one another…it all appeared too specific than that…like they were created and placed on this planet for a purpose


as low-bottom drunks and addicts we become as willing as the dying can be to take a new direction in our life…for me this meant discarding my old ideas and replacing them with new instructions from those that have gone on before me…placing the powerlessness and unmanageability first, this doesn’t seem like a novel idea for one who feels as doomed as i have…placing my thoughts, feelings and motives under the care of those that have overcome the same difficulties as me has placed me in a position to be more acceptable of the things to come


“I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within.  Common sense would thus become uncommon sense.  I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my prolems as He would have me.  Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefullness to others.  Then only might i expect to recieve.  But that would be in great measure.” – p.13 AA BB


placed in this kind of care, i have found a way out of the life i have incorrectly built for myself…no longer looking to the drink and drug for answers to the problems of my being, i spend quiet time alone asking my HP for help…today i see that i have other issues besides getting loaded…there are ideas that compact in my mind that lead to the insane idea of getting high to quiet them…these are all manifestations of self…since i haven’t the power alone to combat booze and dope, i look to a Higher Power for help in this…asking Him to remove these horrible thoughts and feelings from my mind, i then resolutely look for direction in helping those i can…any decisions i think must be made in my life, i run by those that care and love me the most…those that understand my inability to face life alone sober…those that look after my own well-being…alone i cannot do it…i look to others for the help


Oliver V.