Mar 12

Severing connections with the material world

“I wish to hold communion with the Great Spirit of the universe.  I have to hush my mind and bid all my senses be still, before I can become attuned to receive the music of the heavenly spheres.” – March 10, Hazelden’s Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional bookBill & Bob wall

in early sobriety again, things have gotten quite full…i’m back at work full-time…started school again…part-time dad on weekends…still make as many meetings as i can…now putting in service work at my home group…keeping in touch with this page isn’t so hard…i check in a few times a week to check emails, comments and visitations…however, writing the blog is not something that comes to me very easy, yet…i want to make sure i have enough experience to pass on with the message that holds the program true for those of us that struggle with staying sober and practicing the 12 step program

my mornings in the previous period of staying sober were very quick…i was always someone who woke up, got dressed, and left the house within fifteen minutes to head on to work…this eventually led to me hitting my knees and reciting the 3rd and 7th step prayers…but, i still left out in quite the hurry…this all has had to change this time around…my sponsor encouraged me to invite meditation into the beginning of my day…so now i wake up an hour earlier…read my devotionals…invite instrumental music into my quiet mediation time…then go into prayer duties…only asking God for removal of my character defects…never asking for anything else for myself, except directions on how to live my life, and help others that are struggling with theirs

the meditation was a mystery to me, at first…the Higher Power concept of this program has always been a difficult and foggy thing for me to comprehend and integrate into my living…at first i thought that meditation meant inviting God’s instructions, or messages sent directly to me…so, i kept waiting to hear His voice and lines of directions from above…although, i am not Moses…i never have (nor probably ever will) heard the voice of my Higher Power…after speaking with members of my home group about this, i was told that meditation is actually a quiet time reserved to release and get rid of the horrible, destructive thoughts and feelings that plague my mind on a daily basis…even if it only stands for a few minutes at a time, meditation is spent in quietness, asking God to silence my mind…this is why the music is good for me in doing this…i am more focused on the instruments, percussion beats, and altering tones presented to me in that fashion

since alcoholism and drug addiction center primarily in the mind, these actions for preparing myself for the day at the start in my mornings is ideal…i leave the house in better serenity and a brighter outlook for what is ahead…what is next for me is to spend more time throughout my day for a conscious contact with my HP…so many occasions arise that bring out the negative responses engraved in my mind…i still have trouble in accepting difficulties, especially when it comes to others involved in this life…it is so easy for me to make judgements…and what i’ve come to realize…what is so hard for me to come to when facing adversity with different people…is the fact that not only do i not have the power to change myself…i haven’t the ability to change othersAA mirror (2)

“In the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, for my circumstances.  I never felt that I had a choice in altering my life.  My decisions had been based on fear, pride, or ego.  As a result, those decisions led me down a path of self-destruction.” – p.78 AA Daily Reflections

at a time in High School i was deserted by some of my friends…grunge and alternative music had become very popular, and these buddies of mine ditched me constantly to go to concerts, not inviting me along…i had become introduced to a guy named Chad, and we became very close…he understood what i was going through, because he was experiencing much the same thing from the same people…we banded together and decided to create our own club of popularity

it was at this period in my life that drugs and alcohol had become a very important part in my being…Chad and i used very hard together…but, being the kind of person i was becoming, my usage and abuse took it’s own toll on our relationship…a couple of instances sparked anger and disgust in Chad over my behaviors…after a few months of this unsavory activity, Chad had enough and left me to my own devices…it was a hard blow for me to realize, but i kept on the way i was going…dope and booze were just more important to me that true friendship

recently Chad had a severe heart attack…this landed him in the hospital, awaiting an important, yet very serious surgical operation…although, because of his condition, Chad accumulated illness, including pneumonia…a tube was inserted into his throat, down into his lungs, and Chad was put to sleep for a few days…it was over last weekend that i chose to drive out of town to go and visit him…i hadn’t seen Chad since High School, although we have been active with each others profiles on facebook

the next morning after leaving the hotel, my wife and i visited Chad in the hospital…and he was awake!…the doctors had decided to have the tube removed because he was getting better…he wasn’t able to talk to me yet, but heard everything i had to say to him…i thanked Chad for his devotion to me as a teenager…and what it really meant to me today that he had no other choice but to leave, due to the disease of drug addiction and alcoholism…although it didn’t cause me to want to stop at the time…i did have thoughts of my problems with getting high because of the effects it was having on my personal life and actions

after seeing Chad, my wife and i went to a meeting in Sherman, TX…this is where the photos i have posted in this blog have come from…after the meeting we started back home, driving through the countryside, aiming to make a day of the trip back…i had come to a stop on this highway, for a line of cars were waiting for someone to turn…i looked up into my rearview mirror, and suddenly i saw a truck barrelling down the road at me from behind…immediately i started to move, and turn my wheel to the right and get out of the way…but, it was too late…the Chevy Suburban slammed into me, probably going near 50 mph…it smashed the trunk of my Volvo into the backseat, and spun us around, sliding down the ditch on the side of the road

thank God we weren’t severely hurt…i’m pretty sure my car is totaled, but my wife and i are okay…Chad’s wife felt really bad about the accident…that we had driven so far to see her husband, and now lost our vehicle in a car crash on the way home…it didn’t bother me one bit…i told her i did not even regret making the long trip to see a good friend of mine, who is partly responsible for my own sobriety…i said to Chad’s wife, “vehicles can be replaced…you cannot replace the meaningful relationship between two people that sparked importance in each others lives”AA stones