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Mar 02

the problematic solution comparative…

lately i have seen that the name of my blog has become most accurate…my measures at staying sober have been half-baked for some time now…i could come up with a number of different excuses for you…and none of them would give best answers for the inevitable outcome of not working hard through sobriety…there are not any solutions for recovering life from terminal diseases, like alcoholism and drug addiction…in that sense, i’m saying there isn’t a cure…we are infinitely screwed…however, there are daily practices, attitudes and actions that pose potential of sending our illness into remission…IMG_1418my daily’s have been focused primarily on prayer, devotionals and finding the faults in my character that lead to selfish/self-seeking motives…in which, i haven’t been suitably efficient…the meditations i had grown accustomed to are missing…meetings are very few and far between…and service work is non-existent…i still occasional get in contact with members of the program i’ve known a while…but, talks with my sponsor are missing…and more than usual…

thinking of myself is the humongous issue of sober and loaded life…i’ve discovered that sadness, glee and even fear are centered in this problematic state…and there is no way of removing it on my own willpower…otherwise, i would have been able to sober up all by myself…i need a power greater than human…which is why i look to God…

 

last year i began looking into the God-consciousness topic brought up in our literature…confused by it’s meanings and placement in stories, i asked my sponsor…he told me that finding help for others will bring about a conscious alert of God working in life itself…i’ve never been one to hear the voice of my creator…never have i seen His face, or specific instructions…miracles and God-power have always been apparent to me in events, helpfulness and love from other people around me…no matter how hard i’ve tried to think about it, or ask in morning and daily prayer, it has only been through actions on my part, and the part of others, that God has become visible to me in this world…

therefore, it is not my thoughts, beliefs and understanding that manage to keep me sober…it is only though my actions…i cannot think myself unselfishly…that is what thought singles itself out in, even with this writing…the more i read about this disease, i find myself discarding principles that brought me this far in the first place…i get a guilt-shame coming over me, and shudder when i come across tools i’ve misplaced and no longer use…my focus has been on self, when that is where the problem lies…how can i rid of self when i am all who is thought about in this head?

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drink and drugs have been the furthest from my mind…there have been times when a desire comes, but i have been quick to ask for it to be removed…my life has been centered primarily upon my family, work and home life…this schedule has been tight, and there are still problems to work through…however, just me, my talks with God and the devotionals i read are not enough to solve the issue…

finding these reading in the past few days has truly brought this to my attention…although i pray for others, and ask for help in removing selfishness and desire to get high, it is still obvious to me now that i have returned the problem back to myself…and without the help of others, there is no common ground…defeat is imminent..

after i went back out again 3 years ago, the most i appreciated in returning to the rooms is the attention of being a newcomer…i never wanted to be an old-timer anymore…not that i didn’t want to be sober for the rest of my life…that wasn’t my point…i just liked being the most important person in the room…being forced to listen to others tell their stories…i’m still not comfortable sharing in the rooms…i feel i just don’t have the best answers to people’s questions, as i have failed over and over again to lead a sober life…

we all have our own problems…but, we are not different in that way…there are those of us who have encountered the same difficulties, and overcome them without picking up again…i may feel at times that life is heading nowhere…that once an issue is overcome, another problem fills it’s place…life is not a bed of roses…the grass isn’t always greener on the other side…we have abilities to regrow the grass in our own gardens…to replant the same seeds, yet care for them better and with the utmost of care…

determination of what is blocking us is only the beginning…it is in how we discover to move around and move forward that brings our life into light…i cant just keep asking God for the help…i must take actions in order for the prayers to come true…if it was just a matter of sitting here and asking for help to be received, than wishing would be the answer…but, as with those wishing wells, they just fill up with loose change people have tossed in for thoughts to come true…only the person diving in to collect all that money retains a true profit…yes, it may get them soaked with cold water…but the dampness will dry quickly with time…it is action coupled with thought and presence that leads to a new and productive life…