attended a conference covering correctional facilities service work this weekend…meaning look into taking meetings into prisons, treatment centers, etc…picked up an application to fill out and send for turn in…quite a good line-up of speakers at this event…the first was a local judge, which did alert my attention, as i couldn’t see how much he would contribute to the discussion…however, he had been a trial lawyer for some years before appointed judge…and his current court covers mental health, child protection and divorce cases/settlements…what he pointed out most through his talk, in my mind, is the point that looking at how to help others is far more important than focusing on what one personally wants…removal of selfishness in how to best serve people in dire need of help
second speaker was unlike any i had ever heard before…he brought guitar’s and harmonica’s to sing along with his story…quite phenomenal…the third had made many visits to the penitentiary…it was in jail that he was introduced to the program…however, it took quite a bit for him to accept another’s help for solving problems…when serving a 10 year sentence for manslaughter, he spent most of his time locked up in working through the program…emerging from the bars as a free man, in the sense that alcoholism/drug addiction had been solved, as long as he continued to follow a few simple steps
this ended up being a great time for me receiving a letter from a fellow drunk/drugee i’ve known for years…we have been writing each other back and forth for a few months now…she had gotten a DWI and failed to complete the probation, which violated and revoked her into prison…fortunately, she was able to join a program called SAFP (Substance Abuse Felony Punishment)…this has classes that are there to help those serving because of drug/alcohol type offenses…as far as i know, this lasts a couple of years…after sending her my book of blog collection, she said she had written a lot and wanted to join the online sobriety community, once getting out…i told her that after sending me enough material, i would create a sober-blogging profile for her…so, below is the first thing she has sent…looking forward to hearing more from her
This week has been like the Mad magazine back cover , where if you fold the picture in half on the sides there is a hidden picture within the picture. Being here has truly had it’s inner hidden agenda, that has opened the door to my own personal beliefs being smashed. Prime example has been the illusion lived as viewing myself a victim: a good person being separated, but somehow corresponding with thinking errors of “ownership attitude”
I’ve made myself look at what others have seen in me, by taking time to be open with their opinions. What I found I did not like. The hatred that came about towards myself was not even anywhere close to how I had been feeling. I have been lying by omission to myself in protecting life of sickness. Becoming addicted to pain, victim stance, negative emotions. The thought if I looked like I knew what I was talking about, or acted angry, negative or mad. It would push people away and they wouldn’t get close to where I would be. In position to being loved, and then therefore subject to being hurt.
This new awareness has opened up a block, and “stuck mode” in aspect of knowing what sick feels like. Being absolutely terrified of success. Being a liked person and drama-free. Even taking another’s pain away, or holding feelings in to save others. Day by day, not allowing them to be of service. This goes deep into the Control Aspect – or as 12-steppers believe, “playing the actor”. I have faith that unknowingly playing God, and by not being honest about my behaviors, I have made others my victims (my children and sister). Now that I am aware of this (through peers A-Z, strangers) I am able to admit by thinking and action have to be let go, or cease conduct by accepting the consequences of growth.
Knowing this now, I can begin Step One and realize it is action, not words. Even when I think I’ve got it, I don’t. There is always more to address, and more will be revealed as I learn how to Let Go and Let God! Thank you for this assignment.