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Nov 24

Spatial Graciousness…

together-2spent some time over the past few days thinking about how to go about writing this…usually making it a point to post blogs during frantic, busy holiday seasons…for those of us in recovery, it can be a trying time…no matter what your work schedule is…how your family situation lies…it’s most important to keep what is needed frontal…if it is our own issue with celebration during a crushing period of newfound sobriety, the meeting room is the vital place for congruency…like any other day of the year, this is the spot where those who are likeminded get together for answers, solutions and sometimes just simple support in hard moments…it isn’t what we have to say specifically…it’s just that we are there…

yesterday on the job, as i work in construction, the main contractor had declared a half-day…so, this is what i had expected, going in that morning…as a quality assurance technician, i was out in the field performing certain tests…then lunchtime came around and everyone started shutting it down…and i went back to my office to put up equipment…after entering data into our network system, i went to touch base with the engineers, making sure all bases were covered before leaving…when going over all that had been completed on my end, the head boss had me go out and sort through our asphalt samples, separating them by date…

angrythis pissed me off, as these bags are not only heavy, but piled up and stacked in multitude…i have been disappointed and angry back and forth for a couple years now, since my graduation as a Bachelor of Science in Software Engineering…getting away from labor and increasing my scope, pay and position with employment has been my goal…expectation…demand…how dare this be my way at making a living anymore!…which caused me to throw bags around…slamming particular samples on the wooden deck…spitting…cussing…hustling back in forth, in hopes that this higher-up can see me from his window…all the while, i’m watching other employees from my department getting in their own cars, backing up and pulling away…a couple gave me waves…at one point, the admin stopped and rolled down her window…”Have a good Thanksgiving!”…as mad as i was, it was all i could do to look up, smile, and raise my hand in agreeance…

after going through the heap of piles, pulling out all that need accounted for, i divided what had been set aside…then i set out some scrap paper, logging in by date and label what i had found that was asked for…after compiling what had been recovered, i made sure to copy and align the list in chronological order…which when done had calmed me a bit…by the time i stepped back to the boss’s trailer, my disposition was normal again…i explained what had been recorded, what i had found, and what to expect when looking for it…he thanked and showed appreciation, which set my mind more at ease…i realized then it wasn’t simply labor that was expected of me…it was my knowledge and experience looked for when taking on this project…not easy for me to absorb, handle and execute…but, made more sense the longer i had thought about it…i know the difference in mix types…the numerology of type identification…and the dates in which they were produced, as i had placed them in collection originally…

thinkingsomething similar has happened concerning my family recently…after going through high school, my addiction and alcoholism had taken horrible turns for the worse…at the height of my using career, my parents had brought in a younger daughter and son…now being the oldest of 4 didn’t stop my binge on getting loaded daily…eventually this landed me in jail…my youngest brother and sister were still toddlers, and hadn’t a clue of why i was there, or what it meant of me being away for so long…so separation is something i haven’t a clear understanding on, concerning this situation…after being freed and completing probation of 10 years, my life began growth into new, prospective behavior…starting a family of my own, and committing to personal responsibilities, i went through several rough patches until reaching where i’m at today…still having a number of tasks and duties required from me, it isn’t hard to put things on the back burner, or forget about them completely…last week, my youngest brother asked to borrow my bicycle, as he was going to the ACL Fest in downtown Austin, TX…i was sure this was to avoid expensive parking and traffic when using his own car…so i hadn’t any issue with it, especially since he was adamant about using a bike lock to keep it from getting stolen…

he came and picked it up on his own, me leaving the garage unlocked so he could get to it…then, after a few days, he talked about coming back to bring it to me…that’s when the thought occurred that we just didn’t have much in partnership with each other…most of which is my fault…i’ve never been much of a brother to him…and this saddened me…how many times have i been there for him?…for what else have i gone out of my way to be of help?…aside from yearly holiday’s, what effort and space have i provided to be in service to this close member of my family?…not much…and i now mean to vocalize this to him next time we are together, which will be for Thanksgiving…i want to reach out and remain available…keep an eye and ear out for opportunities to bring us closer, rather than apart, like it has been now for years…although i don’t even know how much we have in common with each other, it is what is setting us apart that i have a chance for reconciling…

awakein that i will end with saying this…life has been colluded with much divisiveness, as of late…politics…society…religion…sexuality…ideology…healthcare…ethnicity…employment…you name it…and have we not been in places like this before?…have not solutions to these issues ever been found?…forget a group of people…what about within yourself?…at what other period in your life have beginnings started inside your own heart, mind and soul?…it takes an individual to start the team…one thought…one feeling…one belief…discarded for what another has used to meet challenges and reach goals and conquer difficulties…that is what the open-mind means…success in life sometimes means discarding old ways for new ones…for if i am the only one who knows the right way to anything, wouldn’t that make me God myself?…and playing God or being God are definitely two different things…involving the open space around me and seeing through different eyes will bring my position in this world to new heights…above and beyond…the only way to freedom is up and not down…there is so much more out there to behold…no matter what is facing us presently…tomorrow is always a new day for us…we should never hold today as the end of it all…