Apr 30

Indemnified Condemnation…

my home group celebrated a 34 year anniversary today…incredible…so glad it’s still around for carrying the message…Fellowship has been vitally important for me today, with what i am personally going through right now…so, i felt it crucial to show up and say hi at this event…taking my daughter for this ice cream social, i had to remind her, because she kept asking me “where are we going?”…i told her it was the place i’ve gone to meetings for years…she immediately understood that…once there, sitting down with ice cream and cake, i said i remembered her being a baby in a casket, sitting on the table in the very room…she just started laughing…lol…but, a few people around us opened their eyes and mouth in amazement…”how old is she now?!”…they couldn’t believe she had grown so much

in the past my daughter has asked me why i go to meetings…and i’ve been utterly honest with her about it…i tell her, it’s for sobriety, because i’m addicted to drugs and alcohol…that they have caused major problems in my life…she has asked why me and her mother aren’t together in marriage any more…which has also been hard to explain…would be so much easier just to point fingers at the other, blaming her for the misfortune…and no…i don’t have that right…i must own up to my own mistakes, for that is what i’m responsible for…so i tell my kid that it is my fault…that i could no longer be trusted…i wasn’t honest about my bad drinking and drugging habits…and that they put my own daughter at the expense…and her mother found no other way to rectify the situation than to separate them from the problem

and that has worked…my ex-wife and i get along much better now that we are apart…and i have managed to maintain my sobriety…which brings to mind something i shared in the rooms recently…it usually takes a major loss before a person finds capacity to take action in solving an issue…i’ve had to been taken away from, before given a rightful place in this world…and it’s not simple for people like us…we want so badly to control the situation…because drugs and alcohol made us feel how we wanted to all the time…even if it was only for a moment…and this would cause for more drinking and doping…which is one of the marvelous paradoxes of our 12-step program…in order to attain freedom, we must admit powerlessness over our condition…once i have admitted to myself and another person that i have lost control over my life, immediately i am free from the bondage of self

that doesn’t mean problems don’t continue to occur…i didn’t booze up and get high for one reason only…there are a number of different causes and conditions under which i craved to feel differently…once in sobriety, i have to look to a Power outside of myself for that kind of freedom…sobriety can mean more work than getting loaded, in that sense…only staying sober is the positive over the negative…when faced with dilemma or personal strife, i search for answers outside, rather than within…alcohol and drugs only satisfy my need for change momentarily…it’s a quick fix…and really, it doesn’t change anything at all…once the lapse of reality is over…after the truth becomes clear again…the damage has been compounded, because i never really remedied it…i just sat in it, making it ever worse…that power for change comes from God, or Higher Power, if you will…and i never hear Him speak in a voice from the heavens…it comes from people like yourselves, in the program…which is why meetings and Fellowship are so important

it’s why the 12 step organizations grew so close to me…here were a group of individuals who had gone through much the same things that i had (or even worse)…they talked to me on how they recovered, and what sobriety is like for them today, now that they have been away from the last drink or drug for some time…and i still don’t like calling it a ‘program’…it is a way of life…it’s less about making meetings and picking up sobriety chips…there is more than one or two hours in my day for just getting an attendance sheet signed, because i’ve been on probation by the court…there are 20+ more hours out there on the daily that must be dealt with…i know why the steps are numbered…it’s so we do them in order…but like the 12th suggestion states, we must “practice these principles in all our affairs”…and that goes back to what i’ve already mentioned here…there has always been more than one reason i used in order to get loaded…and drugs or alcohol aren’t the only problems plaguing my life today…once i’ve put the substances down, i have to work on not picking them up again

the consciousness of God resides in all things living, working and existing in this world…it is in how i’m reacting to it all that awareness is brought to my mind, spirit and body…this is through action…which means i must take the cotton out of my ears and place it in my mouth, like the motto we hear in the rooms sometimes…and i have to give away what was placed in my hands, so freely…it doesn’t matter how long i’ve been sober…it is the quality, not the quantity of sobriety that matters most…service is the paramount way of getting outside of myself to see how my Higher Power is working in other people’s lives…that is the meaning of our program…finding our place in life for contribution to others…it’s how we lurked out from under the mire…hands of help reached out to us to lead the rightful way…and the only thing asked in return was to pass this on to those in need…which is the reason why there are no dues or fees for membership…we have already paid for that with the suffering and pain caused to ourselves and those closest to us…it leaves witness to the miracle of healing when giving up completely…only to find salvation by taking that best foot forward, moving ahead into the Sunlight of the Spirit