May 29

Independence of Self-Subjugation…

aside from drug addiction/alcoholism, i also suffer from another chronic illness called Crohn’s disease…after being diagnosed, i went through several surgeries and multiple medications…after many trials and tribulations, the gastro-intestinal doctor (who is pretty much my primary physician now…lol) a very expensive drug was administered…this had to be infused into the blood on a routine basis, for an extended period of time…this meant prescription every 6 weeks for a couple years…although it had a colossal side effect of reducing immunity, this medicine had potential for remission…which is why i’ve stuck with it…once feeling a lot better, and receiving substantial improvement in my condition, i decided to cheat…primarily on diet restrictions, which led to gain of weight…now, that i am currently unemployed, i can no longer obtain this treatment…it is much too costly, and i haven’t the health insurance that supports payment…most unfortunate, is that when treated aggressively, Crohn’s can begin attacks on the body in other forms…this has lead me on returning to my former strict eating practices…and that hasn’t been easy…but, necessary until filling the job vacancy in my life (that accounts for insurance of health issues)…

i bring this up because it relates directly to life problems with alcohol and substance dependence…once facing a hopeless condition, help can be sought out for solutions…when these require tasks to be completed, those who want relief to come immediately, attack the problem with the fervency of struggling victims…after taking immediate operations, results come abundantly, and life can return to better than normal (in most circumstances)…this sometimes ends up in cheating (like i have with the Crohn’s disease)…after life gets much easier, it is so simple to let up on that ‘spiritual program of action’…we think we have it licked…and like what i’ve talked about in the opening paragraph, addiction and alcoholism will rear it’s ugly head in other ways…the effects dope and booze had upon us were actually a solution we had found to daily problems experienced…the causes of using them to solve issues are large, wide and abundant…therefore, treatment must continue throughout our lifetime…the reason why i prefer calling the 12-Steps a ‘way of life’, rather than ‘the program’…chronic illnesses are with us until the day we die…even when offered remission or recovery, we must continue with what we have done so far and where we have started it, if we want to continue the path blazed

working with teenagers sucks…my son has been razing cane with my wife and i lately…he doesn’t drink or get high…his goal in life is to obtain money…and he has disregarded most rules and guidelines set down for him…he does not like school, and is facing repeating the 9th grade for the second time…and he has talked about obtaining a GED in order to quit pursuing his education…which, i have laughed about…because, in my mind i tell myself, “if he can’t effectively study and past tests in High School, what makes him think he can study and past a GED test?”…lies, hatred and selfish obsession have been the main focus of this kid over the past few years…and i haven’t seen any possibility of making him see our way, or take positive advice from those who care and love him unconditionally…i’ve even spoken to him about my own time at his age…nearly causing my parent’s divorce…losing trust in other family members and close friends…working minimum-wage jobs…and eventually landing in jail and prison, for pursuing own personal insights, wants and desires

and it wasn’t until then that i made the decision to ask for help…when i had reached that ‘low bottom’, i became able to listen through others…taking their honest compassion and empathy true to heart…feeling i had no other choice anymore…all my inner decisions had failed me, to the point where i had no one else to turn to…and that is how i believe it is with this boy…it’s best to just remain available when he does call out…it is unfortunate, but that’s the way it is with people like us…there is also a couple i have known for some time now, who had 10 years of sobriety…through a rough patch in their lives, they returned to the drink again…it’s affected those who love and care very much about them to the core…discussion of intervention has arisen…still, no affect on their pursuit of sobriety…and it is hard to accept, but it will most likely take some horrible event for them in succumbing to that desire of sobriety again…faced with absolute destruction, for hard-heading people, there most likely is no other choice…at times we feel like we have these problem mastered…however, being an alcoholic/drug addict, there is no other way…we have placed ourselves beyond aid that is human…we must have God’s help…otherwise, why the hell would i keep coming to meetings?…working through all 12-Steps, i should be done, right?…wrong…in our 12th suggestion it states we must work ‘these principles in all our affairs’…Continue…Improve…and Practice…the last 3 principles in our new way of living

much like that ‘revolving door’ icon used as the default pic for this blog…it is part of a motto in our Fellowship…we don’t want to keep anyone out…in our 3rd Tradition it states that the ‘only requirement for membership is a desire’…everything else is merely a suggestion…we want to keep everyone who needs help in, and never want to bar those who have left us from returning…not that i encourage relapse…i condone it…by that, i mean i’m not wanting to shame those who have made repeated mistakes…i only look for ways in helping them see the source of their faults…for me, it’s usually due to something lacking in my actions for sobriety…much like what has been said about shortcomings…there’s that story of the trashcan lids, and always missing one for covering a can…it’s exactly how my treatment for addiction/alcoholism is…there is a part i’m not proficient with…’faith without works is dead’…i should not expect others to do the work for me…my sponsor is not calling me everyday, asking “are you praying?…are you going to meetings?…are you helping others?”…no…it’s my job in contacting him when having trouble…in which he passes on his own experience and guidance through the stepwork

it is only through that partnership with a Higher Power that i can maintain sobriety…and the reason now for me staying with the fellowship is more than keeping away from the drugs and alcohol…it’s further into communion with like-minded individuals seeking the same goals…to walk through life without needing mind-altering substance in coping with troubles…it is from dependence upon God that i find independence…which brings me to the most miraculous part of that relationship…it can be the most hardest moments in time that present opportunity for freedom…and what a bitch karma can be…the same way i threw harm and difficulty in other people lives while getting loaded revisits me today while keeping sober…but, for the Grace of God, there go I…it is in accepting other’s difficulty and leaving that hand out that i can be open to assistance when they earnestly look for outside help…because, i have been there myself and can tell them what has be done to make things better…for we are all children of that loving creator…and must treat each other as brothers and sisters from the same maker