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Jun 19

Walk the Talk…

things aren’t the easiest right now…i’m out of work…my health isn’t great…close friends of mine in the program have gone back out…the simplest solutions to areas of strife for me have always been going out to get loaded…this removes my fear, anger, worry, depression, sorrow…you name it…and it only treats these symptoms for a short period…just leading to more of the same, and worsened…not quite solving the problem, eh?…i mean, i guess i could bitch to buddies…what could they say about it?…”Oh, that sucks, man!”, or “Damn, bro! Looks like you could use a drink!”, even “Wow! That blows! You should go show those people a piece of your mind!”…not really…i don’t keep friends like that anymore…still, it’s not what others say to me that makes terrific impact on my situation…always on the lookout for a change…doesn’t happen with words…i can read as many books on the subject as i want…not making much difference…same can be said about prayer…asking my Higher Power for the gifts feeling i deserve…and nothing will probably happen

these blogs have been going that way for the past few years…to say the truth…after my head injury sustained that brought me back to square one in sobriety…my focus has been on certain principles/meanings found in this new journey to spirituality…which has lead to only a couple of submissions per month…used to be, when starting Half Measures Room, i would go through events happening right now personally, every week…over the past couple days, my mind has altered on what should be written here…needing to get back to what it used to be…my wife bought me this typewriter for Fathers Day…it means so much…i’ve been wanting one for a long time…writing has been my passion since childhood…using the laptop for blogging, access to a typewriter involves more effort…providing immediate, hands-on proof before me in paper, for the eyes to see…i love that…it’s giving fruits of the labor before even showing it to the world…gives instant results of putting forth what i’ve felt earned through it…taking a lot of work, mistakes are made often…and i have this product, where i can find what went wrong…making ready the tools of correction to fix it…it’s what i’ve always built writing on…i never want to lose that grasp…whether it contributes to the world, or not…i’m doing this to fulfill that innermost desire inbred from the beginnings…without the use of mind-altering chemicals…creativity that lives inside…never wanting to lose it…must keep on trying…that aids development of growth…done through movement, thought and feeling…noone else’s, but my own…getting inspiration from others…i always peruse other, different writings…i love to read…probably what sparks my interests…and it’s in other things that i see and experience that matters when making mine…what completes the words you absorb here in this blog

it’s what i’ve been doing in other areas of my life right now…waking up every morning, i start with devotionals and prayer…going over the 3rd and 7th Steps…asking God to remove my judgement of others…to direct my attention to ‘What He’d Have Me Be’…asking for absence of obsession over booze and drugs…guiding me in being a better father, son, husband, friend and member of the Fellowship…then it gets more generic than that…asking for the help to others…what best meets their needs…for i cannot play God…i don’t know what these people need help with specifically from a power other than human…otherwise, why would i be asking Him for assistance with my own?…no…i only see people who are struggling, like myself…and i don’t know what it is that sets their paths straight again…anymore than i do mine…there is some inclination of that barring me from further investigation…shortcomings in myself through intensive Stepwork 4-7…having potential for growth and realization…which is a purpose for continuing the program…it’s a Way of Life…never being cured from alcoholism or addiction…and if humbly made, gaining opportunity each day for that chance in understanding of what sobriety truly is…One Day at a Time…one moment at a time…continued action…following the dictates of my Creator…some things may be good…others, bad…it’s in how i respond and react to them that makes up the change…it never comes just because i’ve asked for it

after setting the mind straight and clear from waking up, i eat breakfast and drink kombucha with psyllium husk…for treatment of my other chronic illness, Crohn’s disease…since i am out of work and haven’t any health insurance, i do what i can to aid that issue…the diet thing hasn’t been a breeze…Paleo is what i’m after…pork and beef do not digest quickly…so i stick to mostly chicken and poultry, when it comes to meat…much like drinking and drugs, i’ve had to find some replacements…gluten is another source bad for me, so i turn to rice and corn…milk is another…it has a protein called casein my guts have no defense against…almond milk takes it’s place now…soda is the worst…having processed sugar and other chemicals…which i drink sparkling water instead…kombucha is most beneficial, for it has probiotics and amino acid that i lack…the psyllium husk is another natural way in combatting this disease…it flushes the intestines out slowly, kind of like sandpaper, in that polishing off of scarring tissue…caused by bad bacteria taking over the digestive tract…it gives fight and assistance to face another day…after treating Crohn’s aggressively, it moves to other places…the joints in my arms, legs, back…reduces appetite…decreases energy…which brings me to exercise…i’ve been riding my bicycle again…something i’ve always loved doing…not a working-out guy…i like to have fun…picking up this app on my phone called Strava…keeps collection of my routes in mileage, time, elevation and trophies (for when i’ve matched, lost or beat previous records)…this and skateboarding build my stamina and help lose weight…plus, it gives more energy in coming across the next days event…of which my Crohn’s can take away from me

then it’s on to job searching…since i’ve obtained unemployment benefits, i make sure to log-in the WorkInTexas.com website…a few opportunities present themselves that i haven’t seen in other places…according to my job history and skill set, a few will match up perfectly…there are other places i look, like LinkedIn, CareerBuilder and ZipRecruiter…sometimes Job Fairs arrive locally,..which i visit in getting my resume out there for perusal…mostly, my focus has been on building a portfolio…this is a list of projects completed showing my work as a potential candidate for hire…hasn’t been built much, yet…since i’m educated in IT, but no job experience…i take time every day in creating this portfolio, using the freeCodeCamp, CodePen and Udacity websites…i’ve really grown to enjoy learning like this through staying sober…but, like mentioned before, it is the actions (not the words) that give complicit meaning to life angles

bring back what was started this discussion with…in the evening, i make sure to attend meetings…whether it’s at my home group, or another place found to meet like-minded people…one of these is a meet-up…where fellow coders in IT are looking for work, just like i am…giving me a lift in hearing where others are…asking for tips in problems i’m having building the portfolio…in the sobriety fellowship, i do my best in connecting with newbies…something else that isn’t simple…i’m just not the best at reaching my hand out there for people…talking is not something i’m good at starting…i ask question, instead…like, “Are you new here?”, and “What brings you to this meeting?”, or “How is it going for you today?”…hopes that this will start some conversation…occasionally it propels into relationships…a guy i’ve met over the past few months has entered my circle…we text each other during the week…go out and do things together…another one, whom i’ve known for years now in the program, contacts me daily…we are in the same boat, looking for work…he asks what meetings i’m going to…if i’ve called my sponsor…have i hung out with guys from the group?…last Friday i had him come over to work on his resume…getting him started in looking for a new job…trying my best to get him new footing…it’s helpful to walk with someone through difficulty, rather than just telling them what to do…like with my position with learning…getting knee deep into it is a different thing…Saturday, i took my daughter and another kid to the skatepark to ride around…she loves Roller Derby, but only likes skating at the park, not the roller rink…i don’t know anything about rollerskating, so i just let her go at it…she is centered on learning by herself anyway…i mean, she watches other girls doing it, but tries the tricks on her own

the kid that came with us wouldn’t do anything…i encouraged him to get out there to cruise around…he just told me, “I’m no good at skateboarding, like you are.”…i said, “I’m not so good, either.  Look around us.  Everyone else is falling.  They get up, and try again.  We do what we can to get better at it.  Just takes practice, everyday”…much like how i see meetings…it’s good to share about what has happened…what was done to amend any situation…just not enough, though…until we ourselves have been through that wringer, walking out the other side a changed man…talk does very little for ourselves…in that way, we must step in what we speak about…i can read that Big Book all day long…saying i understand what it’s written about…not unless i follow through with it’s suggestions will the ‘prodigious result’ and promises come to fruition…which brings to mind another area i need work on…evening prayer…i’m not good at reviewing my day…just thank God for what has happened for me…requesting direction for adjustment in what went wrong…i don’t recall particularly what has happened throughout…or what i’ve been doing over the past 24 hours…and that’s how i miss out…it’s pivotal to answer those questions asked of us in our literature…and i have a .pdf file of them right on my phone…that is kept on my bedside table…perfect place to get it done when laying down at night

i’ll close with this…my vehicle has been out of registration for 3 months now…some engine lights have come on…and my brother came over to clear one out…putting in some parts that needed replacing…another engine light he hadn’t any knowledge of…so, he sent me to a colleague of his…who happened to get it changed and brought back to normal…still worried about passing inspection, i took it to the shop today…they said it was going to be a couple hours before getting to it…which pissed me off, at first…i hadn’t even brought my laptop to keep busy that long!…so, i walked over to McDonald’s and had breakfast, texting my wife what had happened…not too far from the house, i decided to just walk home…no big deal…gives me time to think over the day and what needs to be done…on my way i found this graffiti on the sidewalk…not knowing what it means, i took a photo of it, because i like it…and immediately after i thought about writing this blog…the title for it came closely after…which i put into my phone notes…as i kept walking, i thought about how much the typewriter means to me…and texted my wife again, telling her i loved her…that the typewriter was the best gift she has ever given…that i would be using it as soon as i got home, in adding to my writing…the trip home brought more to me than i ever imagined it would…now the blog is written, and my car has passed inspection…i’ve submitted payment online to get the registration sticker…and now adding this to the HMR website…tasks done