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Jun 24

What is Othering Myself…

not having a complete, thorough understanding of the 12 Step program is what keeps me coming back…if i was a one-stop shop, only reference needed for assuredly conquering the process of keeping sober, what would keep me in the rooms and member of the Fellowship?…i would still be expected to take part of, in order of passing on what had been given to me…this comes up after a reading at the beginning of a meeting i went to this morning…going on about early sobriety…shying away from the next drink and drug…i remember it being a big problem for me…everywhere i turned…commercials on TV…billboards i saw while out driving…social engagements…even just walking into a convenient store to buy gas, cigarettes, snacks…alcohol is present in an iced-down cooler at the front counter…there is just no way of absolutely avoiding it, anywhere in this world…such are other things in this life, as well…so many objects that i crave…wrong activities obsessed to do…bad people yearning to hang out with…much like dope and booze…i have to check motives…and bring caring individuals along…asking them if it is the right thing to be part of, or not

meetings have become the same way for me…there have been a number of different reasons why i go up to the group…not always for sobriety, either…and that isn’t good…coming home, my wife asks how it went…and sometimes, i’m like, “yeah, it sucked. ┬ánobody shared anything i wanted to hear.”…that is weird…on the other hand, taking the chairperson’s seat is always better for me…i must prepare for it…using passages from the literature in holding a topic up for discussion…paying closer attention to what is shared…even when the talk strays from the intended ideas expressed…i often hear what means a lot to me…it’s simpler in pushing away judgements i have against other people, in that way…miraculous moments happen when i least expect it…the other day, i went into the group for a meeting…i always make sure to come early and stay late…my greatest interactions happen that way…another reason i named this blog Half Measures Room…it’s that area just outside the group room for people to speak to one another…a guy i hadn’t seen in a while came up to me at the coffee bar and talked to me…i ended up missing the entire meeting…and it was wonderful…we went into some guiding principles that rang true and purposeful with what i was going through at the time

it is in focusing on what is in front of me right now…the tasks needing to be accomplished…what am i responsible for?…what is needed for me to do?…why am i here, presently?…what are my capabilities today?…who can i help?…and that isn’t easy…there are always certain things that i want, that haven’t been given to me yet…which creates fear…obstinacy…ignorance…defiance…bitterness…but, i am provided for, am i not?…something else mentioned in the meeting this morning was spiritual experience…once following the suggestions for a ‘new way of life’, the experience of spirituality comes as the result…not the other way around…i do not become spiritually-minded, and then suggestions for the new life appear…it takes work in building faith and trust in the Higher Power…i am dead inside until taking actions that follow through my side of a relationship with God…the program has already given me so much…it’s how i’ve stayed sober so far…now, what can i do to give back?…what has “so freely given” to me has to be returned…this is in receiving answers to the life problems…that must be how it works, right?…treating others how i’m wanting to be treated…i’m not paying the 12 Step Fellowship for their services…they are doing it in keeping sobriety for themselves…and i “follow in their footsteps” to truly seek what they have

when i did not share in a meeting…having that ‘burning desire’…i usually end up blogging about it here…it happened to me last week…in a bad place, i heard a guy open up with a topic…playing “different roles” in his situations…a boyfriend…an employee…a member of the Fellowship…immediately i thought about a part in one of our books where it describes the “actor” and “trying to run the show”…only when others do as we wish they would, things turn out marvelously…however, it’s only for ourselves, right?…and what about everyone else?…i haven’t that power in changing other people…i don’t possess power in even changing myself, do i?…it takes adamance and perseverance in chasing the dictates of God…then is my view of the world altered…thoughts and feelings over matters turn around…whatever else is going on outside me…i become able to adjust, rather than fighting it…how can i better meet others needs?…listening to them can highlight the part i can play in their lives…what help do they need from me?…how can i best be of service?…looking to others for help gets me away from myself, desires and obsessions…it’s what my sponsor has been edging me towards over the last many time we have met

i’m just not good at approaching people…when asked to raise a hand for availability in sponsoring others at the end of a meeting…i do that…but, it’s just not how mentorships start…my sponsor walked up to me when we began our partnership…with illuminating ‘partners’, i mean we keep each other sober…he takes me through how he has done it, using the steps…and because he has been of service to me, his ability in maintaining sobriety continues…a two-way street…thinking of others and we help them meet needs provides for us, in the same way…the only intention is sobriety and growth through spirituality…no monetary gain…no personifying effects…only reaching that hand out to those wallowing in the muck…walking through it together, so we are not alone…and i’m bad about it…you can find me standing by myself after the meeting…not a good one in starting up verbal exchanges…it’s hard for me…i’m quick at handing out my phone number…for people to connect and call when they are having some trouble…i’m also one to answer questions…small talk in getting to know someone personally is not my best suit…i do have many friendships in the program..a few guys i’ve met recently…we stay in contact weekly through text messages or meet-ups…it is the newbies i have most trouble getting to know…how to introduce myself…what is probably pivotal in this is remembering how i was approached…having been going through a heavy part of my life…my sponsor asked me questions and listened closely to what i had to say about it…what is so hard with that?

planes of spirituality are built upon the material use in a positive way…just the simplest of physical action can blossom into that “4th Dimension of Existence”…as simple as ‘suiting up and showing up’…i can talk to anyone that i see…and it is not so much in what i way, but in how i say it…and sometimes not so much in what i do, but how i do it…purpose and reason can mean the world to other people…mostly all are just like myself…”i don’t know how to talk to this person.”…”i don’t know what to say to them.”…”what do they really need to hear from me?”…it’s probably that they must see that we are really interested…that i’m concerned about their well-being…that i truly want to find out what is bothering them…it is in finding out more about a person that opportunities arise…which brings about avenues for me to say something like, “yes!”…”i am one of those, too!”…”i have gone through that same thing!”…it’s how wonderful relationships are built…otherwise, we end up wandering through the troubled life alone…help can be found when help is sorely needed…and who is to say that the person reaching a hand out to help, isn’t just looking for help also?…that’s just the how and why of it…through being of service to others