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Jul 29

Stomping Out the Fix…

my wife and i have kids that live primarily with their others…during each summer they do come and stay with us throughout the week…it cuts down on daycare costs, since my wife works from home and can keep a good eye on them…since i’m without a job right now, i’ve become involved this year…the younger two kids are the ones with us…and are constantly at the opposite’s throat…fighting and arguing about everything…getting on everyone’s nerves…happening every day…starts as soon as they wake up…and goes on until laying down for bed at night…then start all over again…when we see who is at fault, they get punished or grounded, or whatever…sometimes it is hard to figure out which person is in the wrong…one of them tells us something…and the other, usually at a completely different side…who are we to believe?…each is only looking out for themself…to each, his (or her) own…especially when they expect their opponent getting the blame…we have tried every means for coming up with on addressing such problem…getting them to play games together, or as a family…going to the park daily…which usually ends up with one coming home early…because they have hurt their foot…or, ran out of water to drink…anything to get away from the proposed partnership…it just grows tiresome, watching them play in their rooms alone…messing with tablets and smartphones all the time…or gaming on the Playstation (which turns up another sibling battle)…one wants to watch a movie instead…or play a different video game…just never seeming to stop…separately…apart…it doesn’t come out well

today it happened again (like always)…becoming very agitated, i waited…after calming myself, i found what to say…having both kids in front of me, i spoke as slowly and frankly as i could…telling them that feelings of anger are not wrong to have…we just can’t help getting frustrated, at times…it’s basic instinct…like love and fear…developing natural emotion isn’t bad…just part of the human make-up…it is in how we react to it that determines difference with the world…yelling and being mean to people will not solve the issue at hand…it compounds problems…”much how you are looking at me now”, i told the boy, who was giving me a hateful eye…continuing with this rhetoric, i said that quarreling doesn’t result in valued solution…only one-sided debate…best using soft-spoken, quiet voice when entering dispute…listening to the differing party in earnest…doing what we can to put ourselves in their shoes, for a change…hearing another angle in the story…once that entirely new picture is in focus, an agreement possibly is reached…otherwise, it’s adding fuel to the fire…best example i could come up with, so they could better understand what i was getting to is when an object becomes broken…instead of picking it up to get a good look at it…trying to find out what went wrong…we will jump on top of it…or throw it on the ground…shattering the valuable property to pieces…this happens in anger…now the piece of past quality never sees it’s day in court…not another opportunity of repair will arise…we will have to replace what has been destroyed…because of failure in putting special time and effort towards discovering exactly what went wrong…this calls for more cost and expenditure…which could have been avoided with care and attention

feelings, thoughts and moods can set the eve of destruction…and it doesn’t always have to be that negative…no matter how much is going on…seeming out of control…too much in handling…just should not be taken in all by ourselves…reliance on separateness…honesty with people of trust..giving larger scope of the conflicted life circumstances…especially entailing brutality about it…further necessitating interaction with those worthy hearing our darkest, secret outset…showing we accept help in that way…realizing that of our own device, nothing healthy comes out…taking it all piece by piece…dissecting it…appearing much clearer for approach…eyeing it all as one big mess is tougher to swallow…one particular at a time…can it all be concluded right now?…no…of course not…usually combines time and distinctive study in how to amend what went wrong…not easy…but simple when looked at that way

answers for what was mistaken with me and the world surrounding had been with getting loaded…it was the chief resolution found…changing the way i felt about any given position…probably why i became dually addicted…ready to pick up anything…wanting excitement when morose…needing to chill out with too much to deal with…other times just bored and wanting to liven up a little…or depressed and expecting to be happy about goings-on…didn’t matter anymore…after being empty of money, a certain substance wasn’t of concern…it was the effect that i needed…eventually came physical, medical symptoms…using to overcome cravings…ailments…side-effects…tremors…hangovers…whatever it took to satisfy body, brain urges for more…drugs or alcohol only temporarily treated that serious inner conflict unprepared to face…that bothersome reality always back there waiting when coming to…strong reasons for continuing being fucked up…escape…this repeated routine and cult expanded mistakes and trauma into doubles and triples…onward and further outward…ultimately came no other alternative with running away…apparent to everyone in contact, for it had affected them to the core, also…only option left was facing the music…or continue chasing the dream…oblivion…this boundary can be so bright for those devoid of hope and forgiveness…amazing in that way…seemingly broke and beyond, correction turns on it’s side for us…just requires seeing it other ways

at 3 months sobriety i had faced a divorce…my daughter only 4 years old, at the time…still thanking God she cannot recall how much of a drunk and drugee i used to be…at times my wife would be working at night…i’m at home, watching the baby…the door would slam shut…screams crying out…waking me back up…eyes going down to the floor, where the baby lay sleeping…empty 32 oz. beer laying beside her…guzzling so much with her on my lap, i had passed out…she rolled down to the ground…the empty booze container bouncing off alongside…not a pretty sight…and i hope she will never remember anything like that happening…horrible…and it’s just how i was…on more than one occasion…in and out of sobriety…not only once had i gone back to the old life…so, was it such a shock that divorce impended my future?…yet, i became enraged over it…i mean, here i am…doing what i could getting through the 12 Steps (again)…making meetings every day…a couple times a day…more, if i could…getting with my sponsor…going over where i had come…where i need to go next…and it still wasn’t enough?…the battle was over…forced to move out of a family i had damaged

living back with my folks…sharing a room to sleep in with my brother…he smoked pot all the time…coming home in the evenings…i did everything i could to not raid that liquor cabinet i had done as a kid…or pack a bowl in the bong under my siblings bed…not a snap overcoming these temptations…so, i just spoke to people about it…friends…parents…sponsor…the group…telling them it didn’t seem to matter anymore, not getting fucked up now…no wife to come home to…no child to look after…i was in solitary…and “no!”, they would all respond back…i’m still a father…if ever wanting to be part of my daughter’s life again, i had to carry on…keeping up with what i had been doing…knowing how it had worked for me, so far…i hadn’t yet picked up again…even if it was only a few months since that last drink or drug…it was possible to never give up…for, faith without the works is death…turn the 12 suggestions around…practice their principles in every case threatening…admitted powerlessness over a wife…that marriage had become unmanageable…insanity when thinking that dope or alcohol could alter anything ultimately…coming to belief that different powers (other than myself, or humanity) would change things…and after making that decision to turn will and life over to this entity, to launch on that ‘course of vigorous action’…take inventory to find where i had been the cause of predicaments…making arrangements in correcting what i had done…all of it followed by continuous relations with supplemental people…communion with similar individuals…showing witness to continuance of sobriety, despite whatever difficulty…expressing how by giving we receive…at what great measure, we expect the least